Odyssey

Storms

2011-04-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

As has been told by news outlets, last night saw a barrage of storms and tornados in the South, including the Chattanooga area. At least three strong fronts passed through here beginning yesterday morning through last night. I haven't seen winds like that since perhaps Hurricane Andrew when we were living in Florida.

Sadly, many people lost their lives (about 200 at present) including 27 in the Chattanooga area. Probably 25+ homes in our neighborhood lost roof shingles, and a few trees split or fell. But our property was unharmed.

I'm reading the Bible chronologically this year and am in Joshua. Many times I have read of God's fury and anger against His enemies - including the Israelites when they forget Him. A storm is just a small puff compared to the power of God unleashed against sin, especially in the final days.

Peyton Joy

2011-01-29T06:46:00.000-08:00

Peyton Joy Kelleran was born Thursday, January 27. This is Bethany's and Tony's second child and daughter. Peyton joins Ella, Reed, Hayden and Nathan as our favorite grandchildren. :)

Grammy thinks she looks a little bit like Hayden. Poppy thinks she looks like a baby.

Way Too Long

2010-07-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

There are a multitude of reasons why I haven't posted anything since October 2009. Lazy isn't one of them. If you want to know the reasons...well you'll just have to wonder! :)

Regardless, I have missed writing to myself through these posts. Yes, there are others who put up with my ramblings. But over the last 10 months they have probably moved on to more important things. So for now, I'm probably the chief follower, and because I like order I'm numbering today.

1. I retired from Bible in the Schools in December. No, not because of age, but because of my Transverse Myelitis. It was more than hard to keep up with job responsibilities and expectations. It was an impossibility. I first mentioned to the board of directors that I needed to stop working because of my disability a year earlier. But they asked me to stay on in a part time capacity to help with the transition to new leadership. I agreed. But it was still difficult. So now, I am enjoying a different kind of life - I'm a househusband! Poor Deborah still has to work....

2. Grandchildren stands at four with the birth of Nathan in December.

Yes, you can be jealous.

3. Not being employed has allowed me to slowly tackle the scanning of slides that my father took and I took. Some of them go back to 1950. I think I'm finally getting to the end. I actually started the project about 18 months ago!!! No previews here yet. But the pictures bring back many wonderful memories as well as the all too frequent, "I don't remember that at all!"

4. Though I am sure I could have done it years before and thereby circumventing much stress and increased pain, I applied for Social Security Disability (SSD) and made a claim on my disability insurance policy. The SSD claim process can take up to two years. 80% of all claims are denied the first time. On appeal, 80% are denied. Then it goes to a judge. I was approved the first time!!! Woohoo! With my disability insurance company, I was approved for partial payment mid-2009 when I was still employed part time on a reduced salary. Then, the decision was rescinded. So, I had to get an attorney to step in. Last week, they decided to honor my claim. Again... woohoo!

I know there are more things, but right now I'm a bit tired.

Bummer

2009-10-06T10:20:00.001-07:00

Some days are bummers. Days where things just happen where we want to say,

What
a bummer.

First of all, one day last week I was going out for my daily one mile walk with Cooper. As I was punching in the code to close our garage door from outside, he jerked on the leash and my IPod fell to the cement driveway. Upon picking it up, it looked okay, but...all I could hear was a click - click - click from the hard drive. Busted. "What a bummer."

Then, on Friday I received a phone call from my disability insurance company. I have been receiving disability payments after filing a claim last January when my job responsibilities changed. They have decided to rescind their initial decision. "What a bummer." I got the formal letter yesterday and have 180 days to appeal.

Then, probably because of the letter, all night I had sharp shocks on the right side of my pelvis, right where the leg attaches. It's the area where we tickle children. Not fun. Each shock causes muscle spasms. And it hurts! "What a bummer."

One nice thing about "bummers" is that they either become major problems or they work themselves out.

Amazon to the rescue along with credit card points that I've earned. Planning to appeal. And, eventually the shocks will go away. At least in the past they have. But then they always return again, just in another spot.

So, there will always be more "bummers" to look forward to.

Flu Shot

2009-09-15T13:33:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I stopped by the pharmacy and got a flu shot. I haven't gotten one in probably ten years. And in recent years, I haven't gotten bad cases of the flu. But when I do, they are usually 2-3 week episodes of hacking and sleepless nights.

Anyway, what I found interesting in that after you get your shot, the pharmacy gives you a free coupon book with $100 worth of coupons. Not a bad deal!

However, why is it that the majority of the coupons are for flu and cold medicines. Didn't I just get a shot to help me NOT get the flu?

Sam

2009-09-15T09:47:00.001-07:00

It was just a couple of weeks ago when Sam had a very unfortunate accident. He had just moved into his college dorm room and was looking forward to beginning this new phase of his life.

And then there was the Slip 'n Slide.

Since it was first introduced, the simple Slip 'n Slide has evolved into an activity even young adults enjoy. All you really need is a hill, hose and a big sheet of plastic.

But for Sam, something fun turned into a broken neck.

His family is from my church. As I read their poignant email updates, each word reminds me of my early days in the hospital and then in therapy.

And they cause me to stop frequently during the day to pray for him, his parents, and his siblings as they face this new and unexpected challenge.

Ironic?

2009-08-24T16:07:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was scheduled to speak at the Little Brown Church on Signal Mountain. They have invited me for several years. The church is only open in the summer, a tradition that started many years ago.

For several weeks I thought about what I wanted to say. I first thought of doing something on Samson, but then decided up a story that is very familiar - Daniel in the Lions' Den.

The thesis:

Is the universe deterministic or random? Is everything in some way preordained or does it happen by chance?

It was the movie, "Knowing" that triggered this theme.

Well, I spent Saturday night with a stomach virus, and at 7:30AM Sunday morning, I had to call and cancel. First time I've ever had to do that.

But I did think that it was ironic because in this illustration that I read in preparation...

Someone is running late for work and in one of those “duh” moments can’t find their keys, only to realize they are in their pocket. The whole ordeal only takes about thirty seconds out of their day but, while approaching a stop sign on the way a car appears out of nowhere and runs it. If they hadn’t had that momentary lapse, they very well could have been road kill.

The question is: was losing the keys just a random hiccup of the brain or part of a preordained destiny?

How easy it is to take for granted that stopping to tie a shoe, turning left instead of right, looking down instead of up, etc. could potentially be the difference between life of death.

Hmmm. My belief in it not being a "random hiccup" makes me wonder why I got sick. And, of course, it always make me wonder why I have Transverse Myelitis.

A Step at a Time

2009-08-20T07:01:00.001-07:00

The mind and heart play tricks. We think that we control ourselves, but in many ways we do not. In just one month (9/21) my five-year anniversary of TM will arrive. Yet, some things are hard to accept.

When I was released from the hospital in December 2004, I was evaluated to see if I was able to safely drive a car. I passed. The test wasn't as strenuous as my first driver's exam when I was 17, (no parallel parking) but I was unsure as to my abilities.

A "benefit" to being disabled is getting a parking permit for those places closest to the doors of restaurants and the mall. My doctor applied for one with me. It was for six months and could be renewed one more time. I think that it is mostly for people who have a temporary disability.

Then, I applied for a permanent permit which lasts for two years and can be renewed without a physician needing to approve it every time because s/he has already said that the disability is permanent.

Even though the hanging blue permit works just fine, I made up my mind a couple of months ago to replace the hanging tag. So, I stopped by the tag office and ordered a disability license tag. It was kind of a hard decision because with this tag being so definitive (every one who follows your car can see that you are disabled) it forces one to say, Yes, I am disabled and will always be disabled in this lifetime.

The mind and heart play tricks. It's hard to accept weakness. It's hard to accept frailty. It's hard to be transparent to others that I am broken.

But I did it. And I'm fine with the decision. It was healthy for me to do it. It's always best to recognize who we really are, because it's the first step to emotional, spiritual, and one day physical healing.

Too Long TM

2009-07-09T12:32:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I just don't feel like writing. I'm getting close to five years with Transverse Myelitis. It's hard to believe - and getting hard to remember life without it.

Yet...sometimes I forget. The mind remembers being able to do something, but the body doesn't react. Yeah, that comes with age as well. In fact, I can remember my Grandma Carlson stating that even though she was 90 years of age, in her head she still felt like a little girl.

So, last week, I forgot and tried to do a cannonball into the pool where we were swimming with two of our grandchildren. It was the shallow end. Not good. My legs don't work well as shock absorbers, and I hit my left heel quite hard. And yes, I felt it even though I don't feel many things. If you've got TM, MS or some type of spinal cord injury, you know what I mean. It still hurts after six days. But, it'll get better.

Today I did visit my Siskin doctor. We upped my Lyrica and added Zanaflex. I've been struggling with some spasms, so hopefully these changes will help. For me, I can tell that a spasm is coming because a muscular/neurological tension usually begins in one of my thighs. I can try and will it to stop, but a spasm is the best solution because it releases the muscular/neurological tension. And so, I'll have a shiver-like spasm and then feel "Ahhhh."

What We Do For Love

2009-05-15T10:58:00.001-07:00

Two weeks ago we drove to Wilmington, NC for nephew Bobby's wedding. Driving, or even flying can be an ordeal when one has TM. Any type of stress, and this includes things that aren't stressful for healthy people, increases the effects of Transverse Myelitis. Pain increases, fatigue increases, soreness increases, muscles and ligaments get tighter and, well everything gets worse.

But, when one gets to middle age, many family events are either weddings or funerals - and it's more fun to attend weddings.

So, after driving 9 hours on Friday, resting a bit, attending the rehearsal dinner until late, and then on Saturday attending the wedding and reception, I sat down in a corner of the reception hall and put my legs up on another chair.

I was spent. Completely. I didn't want to visit with anyone. I just wanted to sit and "check out" by going into my own little world. I had started to develop spasms in my legs and abdomen and the nerve tingling that always exists was at least twice as bad. My legs felt like I was carrying around a 20 pound weight on each ankle.

But then a little girl came to me and asked, "Poppy, will you dance with me?"

My thoughts went...

"I can't, Sweety. Poppy is just too tired. Why don't you ask Uncle Bob?"
to... "I don't want my grandchildren to think of me as this old man who doesn't do things with the family."
to... "Suck it up, Doug. You can rest next week."
to... "Sure, Ella. I'd love to."

So we stepped onto the dance floor.

First, dancing has never been part of my life. Over the years many people have said that I would have been a good dancer because I feel the rhythms. But even feeling the rhythms doesn't help when the legs are gone, balance is a struggle, and the feet don't move quickly or smoothly.

But for love, we danced. And for love I would do it again and again.

Not Equal Time

2009-04-09T12:35:00.001-07:00

While in Minneapolis a couple of weeks ago, we were able to enjoy Hayden, along with her mom and dad (of course).

This included her first sucker...

And her first cereal!

Cooper

2009-04-09T12:07:00.001-07:00

For those who have asked, here are a few pictures of Cooper. No, he is not our fourth grandchild. But he is a lot of fun and the neighbors agree that he is cute and has great markings.

New Roomate

2009-04-03T18:15:00.001-07:00

This is Cooper, our nine week old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel who joined our family today. He flew in this evening from Utah.

We've talked about getting a dog for many years. I have been the resistant one. But now that I'm working from home most of the time, I started to think that this would be a good time.

So...I Googled, looking for a breed that would seem to meet our needs and desires. I finally narrowed it down to the Cavalier King Charles. No, not because it sounds like a classy breed, but because it is very loyal, smart, friendly, small, obedient, non-yippy, beautifully-marked dog.

I saw his picture on Puppyfind.com and loved how he looked. After some phone calls, emails and pictures, a check was signed and his flight from Salt Lake City to here was booked.

During this entire process,

Deborah had no idea.

In fact, I had to lie. (Though, is a lie a lie when you're keeping a secret for a surprise that is good and the lie you tell is that you're going to the airport to pick up some missionaries for church?)

Cooper and I made it home from the airport while Deborah was doing some shopping. She finally found us in the backyard and was s-h-o-c-k-e-d. :) [In a good way.] So the surprise was complete and worth the many hours of research and the secret phone calls.

Now, we just need to be alert and faithful so that he learns why it's important to "go" outside.

Insurance

2009-03-05T08:12:00.001-08:00

One decision that I have not regretted was getting disability insurance coverage six years ago. Because Bible in the Schools is a small non-profit I privately purchased the coverage. Large businesses with many employees frequently offer disability coverage because group coverage is very inexpensive. Individual coverage (like mine) is not. But I still got it and paid the quarterly premiums.

With my change of responsibilities, I have filed a claim with Unum because the change equates to a 30% drop in salary. For several months the claim has been working its way through the claims department and today I received a home visit.

No, I didn't try and make myself look hopeless. I just stated the facts as openly and honestly as I could. Hopefully the claim will be accepted because it would be very helpful to have at least part of the 30% salary drop covered! It'll probably be a few more weeks until I know something. Bob was very nice and we even found out that we have some mutual acquaintances.

Stress

2009-02-25T13:08:00.001-08:00

Even though it has been over five weeks since I stepped down from my position at work, I haven't really gotten started doing my new job. For the new guy, there's lots of questions, lots of background, and lots of helping him understand what we've been doing the last six years and what still needs to be done. It's going well. But, there have been some hard issues to deal with. Even Bible in the Schools is not immune from the current economic strain. We're dependent upon contributions. Donors are dependent upon income.

Anyway...Monday was a stressful day. Not because of length, but because we've had to communicate some program reductions. So, true to fact, Monday night was more painful than normal. And, it was a good reminder of why I needed to step down. I used to thrive just fine with deadlines and pressure. No more. Stress = increased pain.

I guess I needed the reminder because I wasn't ready emotionally or mentally to step down. I never thought that at 58 I would not have the vitality of when I was 50 (let alone 40 or 30). Instead, it's the vitality of what I thought I would have when I became old. And we look at old as being what we will be one day but yet we still don't think we will be.

Amazing Grace

2009-02-03T16:00:00.001-08:00

Over 40 years ago I began learning how to play the guitar. My first instrument was a ukulele which was just big enough for a young boy's small hands. But then one night I was rushing back to our sofa after taking a commercial break. In my hurry, I sat on my ukulele and broke it.

I graduated to a baritone ukulele (which I never sat on and still have) and ultimately to a series of guitars (current: Ovation).

My first endeavors were with folk songs around a campfire, and I never moved far beyond being a chord player. But, I've enjoyed the hobby.

I stumbled across this video and had one of those, "I wish I could play this good!" moments. I mean, it only takes practice!

Amazing Grace - Josh Wilson

Change

2009-02-01T12:37:00.001-08:00

I don't know if this is the longest I've gone without writing something, but I've really been tired lately - more so than usual. I don't think that it's a TM symptom that is getting worse, I just think it is trying to deal with a lot of different things at the same time which is harder for us TM people. Concentration and focus are very draining.

However, one big change has taken place. I have formally stepped down from being president of Bible in the Schools. I'm not retiring, but am the new VP for Strategic Initiatives. Sounds like a lot, but considering that we only have three employees...well, it's just a title. It allows me to work primarily from home with reduced responsibilities and hours. I can remember when I thrived on stress and deadlines. No more. Stress makes the TM residuals worse.

My doctors are all very supportive, so hopefully my disability insurance company will be as well since I'm taking a 30% pay cut.

One Thing at a Time #20081223

2008-12-23T09:54:00.001-08:00

Number 1
The third time was the ticket. The TV stand arrived in perfect condition, so we should be set for another 10 years.

Number 2
Why is wife shopping (or maybe that should read, shopping for my wife) so hard? Not to stereotype men or women, but I don't know any men who have said that it's easy -- except for giving jewelry or lingerie. Deborah is a great shopper. She can find anything for anyone and never pay full price. The gifts are always perfect.

Number 3
Speaking of gift-giving, we're thinking about making this the last time that the Stromberg/Hale/Kelleran/Gamble clans exchange gifts among the adults. My thoughts are to make donations to our favorite charities instead. We'll see what the vote is!

One Thing at a Time #20081210

2008-12-10T15:24:00.001-08:00

Number 1
Sometimes Internet shopping can be challenging. I do enjoy shopping via my laptop much more than going to a store. No pressure sales associates (remember when they were called "clerks?"). And it's easy to shop for the best price. Well, about three weeks ago I ordered a piece of furniture that Deborah and I had been looking at. We were looking for something perfect on which her new plasma could be placed. Ok, yes it isn't hers because doesn't it take a man to run a remote control? Two weeks ago it arrived. Though it was packed very well, there was a ding. So, for a week it sat in our living room with all of the packing materials until the trucking company picked it up. So, one day at home waiting for the first delivery and one day waiting for the pick up.

This past Monday night I received a phone call that the new one was going to be delivered. So, I was home yesterday waiting for it. And...it didn't show up. But today there was a note on our door that they tried to deliver it today. Tomorrow I'll call the trucking company and we'll see about having it be re-delivered.

And oh, by the way, the days at home were WORK days. No naps, no TV, just emailing, calling, and writing.

Number 2
I had a special appointment with one of my doctors today. She was working on the paperwork as part of a claim I'm making against my disability insurance policy. With changing positions at work that will allow me to work from home at a reduced salary, I am hoping that they will pick up a portion of the salary difference. My policy says they will. Fingers are crossed.

It's Not Easy to Give Thanks

2008-12-02T09:19:00.001-08:00

Deborah, Mebe (her mother) and I drove to Hickory, NC last week to celebrate Thanksgiving Day.

Leading up to Thanksgiving Day I began to think about what I was thankful for: an awesome and loving wife, wonderful daughters and son-in-laws, a good job, hundreds of friends, always having food, clothing and shelter. But I felt like I was missing something and began to think how easy it is to be thankful for good things.

So, is being thankful for good things a real measurement of our thankfulness?

As I pondered that thought, I followed a link to a blog that I haven't read in over a year. And because Dan Phillips puts it so well, I am unashamedly plagiarizing him and including his words as my own.

One of the questions Todd Friel was asked during The Dr. Phil Show was "How do I give thanks for bad things?"

Scripture says that one of the marks of the Spirit-filled believer is that he gives "thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Ephesians 5:20). In fact, we're flat-out commanded to "give thanks in all circumstances" — and, as if that's not enough, Paul adds, "for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

We see that men of God have reached out to do just this. Famously Job, pummeled with tragedy after tragedy, responded, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD" (Job 1:21). Similarly, the writer of Psalm 119 sings, "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes" (Psalm 119:7).

In that spirit, I'd like to invite readers today specifically to express their thanks to God for difficult chapters and events in their lives, for what I call "rough providences," in which they've come to see God's hand of blessing and/or instruction in some way. (Link)

(I'm back.)

While I was in the hospital I read through the book of Psalms and marked every verse that gave me encouragement or challenge - including Psalm 119:7 above. Those days it was not hard for my heart, mind and soul to grasp these truths. But the real challenge comes when circumstances don't change and will not change.

It's not easy to give thanks. Yet we must. Because "If God is satisfied with the work, the work may be satisfied with itself." C.S. Lewis.

And to be thankful, I must tell my mind and heart "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." Because that's what is eternally imperative. Not food. Not clothing. Not shelter. Not the new flat-screen. But knowing God and enjoying Him forever.

One Thing at a Time #20081122

2008-11-22T07:57:00.001-08:00

Number 1
The last few nights I've awoken around 4 to 5 in the morning and then been restless until 7:00, my usual time to get up. Like last night. I woke up because I kept feeling the "electric shocks" that are common. First on the inside of my right knee and then further up my thigh. Then, about a minute or two later the pattern would repeat.

The weather has turned colder and with it I have wondered if it has any influence upon my symptoms. So, I've decided to keep track. We'll see what the spreadsheet says in a few months.

Number 2
A few weeks ago I mentioned to Deborah that it could be time for me to look into going on disability. When the board of directors of Bible in the Schools heard this, they asked me to try and stay on, but in a more part time position and one that I can perform mostly from home on my own schedule. So...as soon as they find my replacement I'll become a VP. :)

Change is never complete, and change never ceases. Nothing is ever quite finished with; it may always begin over again. And nothing is quite new; it was always somehow anticipated or prepared for. - C. S. Lewis

Waking Up

2008-11-05T07:51:00.001-08:00

One Quick Video

2008-10-21T14:01:00.001-07:00

From Kellerans

Faster than a Speeding Bullet

2008-10-21T11:38:00.001-07:00

OK, not quite as fast as a speeding bullet, but our flight home arrived 30 minutes early from our five day visit with our newest granddaughter (and her parents). Good flights and Delta still offers free peanuts! :)

But now I'm a bit tired, though not as bad as I have been on other trips. It probably helped to take a couple of 2 hour naps which points out the need for me to rest more than I have over the past year or so.

More later.

1950's

2008-10-09T17:05:00.001-07:00

Awhile back, a friend was reading a book that took place in the 1950's. Knowing that I was alive then, I was asked what I was doing in those days of yore. So...

Once in awhile being quite pious.

Being the ring bearer in my aunt and uncle's wedding, with my cousin as the flower girl.
(We are the same age.)

I did a lot of this, singing at events, luncheons and church. My parents told me that our pastor had me stand on the pulpit once so that people could see me. I was quite the child "Star". :)
And though it may seem that I had my own company, I don't think I was ever paid to sing. :(

Rowing with my sister on one of the 10,000 lakes in Minnesota.

And, of course, losing teeth. Evidently I was quite mischievous. I was told that for a citywide contest to find the best Dennis the Menace, my mother wouldn't enter me because she was scared that I would win!

The real Dennis the Menace (actor). In hindsight, I think I can understand my parents' fears. I look more mischievous than the real one!

Hayden Pearl Kelleran

2008-10-07T15:11:00.001-07:00

Baby Boo

2008-10-05T09:29:00.001-07:00

At 7:41 this morning, my phone rang with a special ring that I had assigned to incoming text messages. We were expecting one. It said,

Baby Kelleran has arrived @ 6:30 AM, 7 lbs. 3 ounces

Because they live in another time zone, that was 7:30 our time; eleven minutes earlier. So far, no name announced. Her mother's nickname is "Boo" from when we would call her "Bethany Boo" and her sisters Amy Sue and Cari Lou. (Only the Lou is real.) So we're calling her Baby Boo, our third grandchild.

Choosing Neighbors

2008-09-27T09:04:00.001-07:00

Wherever I've lived, I've never chosen a home based upon who my neighbors would be. Thirteen homes in nine cities on two continents. Each time, my neighbors were unknown to me. Strangers.

There's at least one more move ahead, and like the others I don't know who my neighbors will be. I've always wanted family close by - my wife and help meet, every child, every grandchild, my parents. And there are many friends who I want to live in the same city. But there are two people that I want as my next door neighbors.

Neither one lives in Chattanooga. In fact, neither one lives in the USA. They both speak Spanish and have meant much to me at different times in my life.

I met Roque, here with his wife Zaida, thirty years ago. He was a customer at "Libros Bolivia", the bookstore in Santa Cruz, Bolivia that I managed for South America Mission. When I was ready to hire a clerk to help me, Roque was my choice. For three years we worked side by side, six days a week. He was patient with my Spanish and always stepped forward to handle the "difficult" customers. Those were the ones who had plenty of money, but still wanted to bargain on prices, or at least receive a "ñapa." A small gift (especially one given by a merchant to a customer who makes a purchase.) So we wouldn't lose money and the customer would feel good about the ñapa, he would raise the prices to cover the gift. :)

Then one day I gave him full ownership of the retail and wholesale business. (We started the Christian bookstore with the purpose of not having a missionary run it.) And Deborah and I left Bolivia for Miami.

But Roque wasn't just a clerk. He wasn't just a capable manager and owner. He's a friend that I haven't seen in 26 years, but I say today what I said decades ago, I want to live next door to Roque.

Though Jimena is married to a wonderful man, Rafael, I chose this picture taken before their marriage (Sorry, Rafael) because it represents a part of how we became friends. No, we didn't meet at Machu Pichu in Peru, though I have been there. We met online 2 1/2 years ago. You need to read this post and then this post to understand how unique and special the meeting was.

She lives in Vallauris, France. We've never met face to face and I don't know the sound of her voice because we've never spoken. But I know the beat of her heart and the encouragement she is as my TM older sister (yet 27 years younger) as we've become friends via our keyboards. (Fortunately she speaks fluent English!)

I visited Machu Pichu around 1984, before TM and when I was still young and healthy. Yet, even with good health, the visit was horrible. The day was shrouded in clouds and rain, and the "adult" couple I was chaperoning acted like babies for the two weeks we were together. I just wanted to go home.

But here, Jimena has a beautiful day at 9,060 feet above sea level. She rode the train and hiked the ruins with her Transverse Myelitis. Something that I would not be able to do.

Jimena is my other neighbor choice. One day I want to sit with her, cry tears of thankfulness, and maybe not say anything because sometimes friends just know.

One move will be the last move and I'm glad. I hate packing and unpacking.

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.
In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so,
would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?
And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also."
John 14:1-3 ESV

Another Anniversary

2008-09-21T10:46:00.001-07:00

Today is my fourth anniversary. The last day of summer. The day I got Transverse Myelitis -- September 21, 2004.

First anniversary. I can still remember feeling that more improvement would be made because the doctors said that most improvement takes place within the first two years.

Second anniversary. It wasn't filled with as much hope. "OK, the progress has been good, but really nothing has changed over the past 18 months. So, what I am left with is my portion." I was down and discouraged.

Third anniversary. Number three was routine. I don't remember anything special about the day, and I know I couldn't forget because the day is set as a recurring reminder in my PDA. So it was probably one day in a period of malaise that had settled in.

Fourth anniversary. This anniversary is the first on a Sunday. And going to church was a wonderful way to spend the morning. Clay spoke from Mark 5.

Jesus Calms a Storm

35 On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” 36 And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. 37 And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. 38 But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” 39 And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. 40 He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” 41 And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?”

When Jesus gave instructions to cross the lake, He knew that the windstorm was coming -- even without the Weather Channel. Because He created and controls the wind. But the disciples were still learning. Just like us. We get fearful of the wind. We grow tired of the waves. The sky is so dark that we cannot see the shore.

We're overwhelmed.

That's when we need the words penned centuries earlier, Psalm 107.

It was a good anniversary.

"How are you?" "I'm fine."

2008-09-08T13:29:00.001-07:00

For some time I’ve been thinking of posting what it’s like for me to have Transverse Myelitis. In fact I've been thinking of it for a year! I don’t want this to come across as whining, because I try very hard not to whine. And, men don't like to show weakness. We're supposed to show strength to our families (in our thinking). So I have struggled with that as well.

I have two reasons for this post. The first is over the last couple of months I have spoken very openly with two friends who have TM. Each time it has been encouraging to hear or say, “Me too!” Because this disease is so rare, there aren’t many people who have it. It’s hard to know if a symptom is unique or shared.

Secondly, people around us don’t see or understand the effects. If we look fine, we must be fine.

So…the beginning.

When I awake each morning, my first thought is “Can I move my legs?” When I do move them to check, then it is a conscious decision and effort to get out of bed and start a new day. Conscious is a common word throughout each day. Things that used to be done without thought, now are individual decisions followed by a “willing” to do them.
Like taking a shower. At times I have turned on the water to let it heat up and then just stood there, outside of the shower before I “will” myself to get into the shower.
I shower and when I wash my legs I am always reminded of September 21, 2004, the day I got TM.

Pain

There is always a constant tingling in my legs, especially my feet where the tingling is as if they are freezing cold. I have no feeling to slight feeling in a few areas. As well as freezing, they also feel like they are burning. Clothing on my legs and feet sometimes is uncomfortable. Frequently waves of vibrating will move up my legs starting at my feet.
There are what I call “seasons” or periods of other pains. The sharp, breath-taking pains stay for days and then will leave for a few days or couple of weeks and then return again. The same with deep, dull pains especially in my thighs and hips.
Of course, there are also joint pains from having to work everything so hard, and foot pain. I sit and get stiff and sore. As I’ve told you, my legs will “fall asleep” very easily.
And the spasms when something happens and I jerk like one does when they shiver. Sometimes it is just in the stomach, other times in the whole body. These have increased recently.
Sometimes my feet will feel foreign and not present – as if they aren’t attached. I know it is hard to understand how one cannot feel but yet feel pain.
I am tired of the pain, every moment of every day. I try to not think about the fact that I’ll feel the same pain tomorrow, next week, and next year. It’ll never go away this side of heaven.

Plumbing (you can skip this part if you wish)

The plumbing. On one hand, I can’t feel when my bladder is full until it’s really full. The “sense of urgency” kicks in late. The doctor is concerned about stretching out the bladder which makes it weaker. Because it is controlled by nerves, it is already weak. I can’t tell when I finish urinating unless I look because I don’t feel myself going. Also, the muscle that keeps us from wetting ourselves is weak. So, put full bladder and weak muscle together and one is set for an accident.
Bowels are sluggish. The digestive system is controlled by nerves that are weak. So I am always watching how much or how little fiber I am eating. Again, I can’t feel when I need to go to the bathroom until I REALLY have to go and with a weak muscle that keeps us from messing ourselves…well one is set for a worse accident.
Intimacy. Well, without going into detail since this is something that children cannot imagine their parents doing, or at least doing more than once per child, use your imagination based upon everything else I’m listing.

Perception

Fatigue begins each morning by 9:00. As long as I have projects to work on I can forget about it. But as soon as I relax, it is overwhelming. This is a very common symptom with TM – regardless of what medications people take or age.
Of all of the things that I feel, fatigue is the most overwhelming. All day every day. Sleep doesn’t help for long because it isn’t about a lack of sleep. A doctor friend says that fatigue comes from the body fighting pain. By fighting it all day every day, mental and emotional fatigue sets in. I am glad that Deborah’s not a party animal because I hate having company around a lot and I feel bad about it. I especially feel bad when the grandchildren are around because I want to be a normal and fun grandfather like their grandmother. But all of the stimuli (sound, activity, conversation, out of routine, etc.) are difficult and challenging. I hope that I do my best because I don’t want them to think that Poppy is old and out of touch.
Of course, it’s the same whenever someone is over. In the evening, my mind just checks out. I don’t know where it goes. So, conversation is work and work brings more fatigue.
Having someone in the house for 3 months at a time is very hard and makes me anxious. It is just having someone else around. So I try to not think about it or the length of time.
I am so glad that from when I get home from work that life is fairly quiet. People with TM speak of the need for quiet time. That’s not silence, but time to just do what we want to do without questions or conversation. It takes about 4 hours of this to make me feel refreshed before going to bed.
I know I am very quiet. I have to make a conscious effort to be talkative.
Proprioception is one new word I have learned. The sensory nerves in muscles, tendons, and joints that provide a sense of the body's position by responding to stimuli from within the body is gone. So, I am constantly looking around to see if my feet are tangled, if something is around them, if there is room around me so I can catch my balance if needed. I have twisted my right ankle 3 times quite painfully, yet without swelling and bruising.
I feel pain with every step. While walking stairs, I concentrate on every step and “will” my legs to press up each stair and to balance on every stair going down. It doesn’t come naturally at all.
Driving the car. I do get worried here. I know that my reaction time is slower than before. But also, concentration is more challenging.
One thing that I mean by concentration is staying focused on the task. I am waiting for the time while parking my car in the garage that I hit the shelves on the wall while jockeying the car in or out because I lose my concentration of what I’m doing, especially when I’m tired. My brain just checks out. I believe that this will be the issue that stops me from driving one day.
Again on driving, if you gave me ear plugs and a blindfold, and then jacked up my car so that the wheels weren’t on the ground, I would have no idea if I was pressing my foot on the gas pedal because it is only sight and sound that tell me.
I am glad that I have always driven a car using both feet (something my dad tried to break me of :) ). I do not have the confidence that my right foot would be able to find the brake pedal in an emergency. Sometimes it isn’t even situated correctly on the gas pedal.
Playing, writing, reading, etc. on my computer at night helps me not to just vegetate. It stimulates my mind and keeps me focused with the physical typing, etc. I know, it sounds weird, but it is therapeutic.

Prospects

I frequently think about the future. I wonder if we will be in this house for another 10+ years and if so, should we put hardwood floors in every room because it’s easier for a wheelchair. I see the loveseat-sized couch in our bedroom and can visualize a hospital bed in that location. I can become distressed thinking about being hooked up to bags that Deborah will need to empty. I become sad thinking about being in that bed while the children and grandchildren are enjoying life. That’s my view of retirement.
I have no passion to go to work like I once had. It takes so much effort. I can tell that I am not as effective as I was because of the fatigue, concentration, cognition issues. I do not believe that I will be able to work until I’m 66. Some days are very hard.
Of course, I think about my dad in the nursing home. We all think that “One day, perhaps I’ll need to be in a nursing home.” But that’s more of an “if” statement. For me I think it’s more of a “when” statement. I wonder if this will turn into MS though that is VERY remote. It was nice to see my recent MRI as being negative for more lesions.
I wish that all of this wasn’t a burden for Deborah. I have always wanted to help her. Now, it’s her helping me. That’s tough.
I am glad that I can help Deborah with her school computer needs some evenings. It gives me a way to help and express my deep love and thankfulness for her.
During Deborah’s recent knee surgery and recovery I didn’t want her to feel bad about feeling bad. Instead, I want her and others to feel bad when they feel bad. It brings a normalcy to life. (Does that make sense?)
Alone. I always feel alone. No one knows what this is like. One of my recent blog posts was titled, “Why do I look so good?” Because I can walk, most people think that all is OK. There is no one around here that understands the feelings and struggles that TM patients have because there aren’t any. There are TM people who have emailed me in response to my blog and they are encouraging. Because I look normal, I get tired of telling people “No, I can’t do that.” because I always feel the need to give an explanation.
In spite of all this, I have learned more about God’s grace and mercy in my life in the last four years than in the previous 54 years. I cling to Him because I know He knows how I feel.

Epilogue

Is there more? Yes, there is more. The original list was 61 “most every day” items and it is easy to add even to that list. Like, when I climb into bed at night, even though my original position is uncomfortable, I won’t want to change the position because it takes so much energy. The same with pulling up the blanket or turning on/off the fan.

I’m going to end by linking once again to “The Spoon Theory” which was written by someone who has a “hidden” disease. Just replace “Lupus” with “Transverse Myelitis” because it’s all the same.

34 Weeks and Week One

2008-08-29T18:12:00.001-07:00

34 Weeks: Grandchild number three is closer to taking a first breath. Bethany sent this to us last week, so it's really week 35. Next weekend, we're flying to Minneapolis for a baby shower. But then the next trip will be after the birth.

Week One: Ella began her first week of kindergarten. Because of her cochlear implants, her teacher is using a wireless microphone that has its receiver as part of one implant just in case Ella has a hard time hearing or understanding.

Ready with Barbie and comfort.

Hmm. Scared to stay or just doesn't want a brotherly hug?

OK, the hug is just fine. But...Reed's hair is another story!

Bell Ringers

2008-08-12T04:51:00.001-07:00

For the last few years, the Little Brown Church on Signal Mountain has asked me to bring a Sunday morning Bible lesson. In most churches this would be considered the sermon. But the Little Brown Church is a bit different. How? Well for starters...

It's only open in the summer.
Open windows = air conditioning.
People sit inside and outside on the porch.
It has a porch and was started on a porch.
The "choir" is recruited as people arrive but they don't sing an anthem or offertory. They sit in the front row or two on one side and turn to face the congregation during the hymns.
Dogs can freely walk through the church during the service.
The attendance (including the number of dogs) and offering are written on a blackboard.
The service ends with everyone singing, "The Little Brown Church in the Vale."

My lesson was about Jacob - a man whom I have thought about frequently since I got Transverse Myelitis.

But the treat was Ella (5) and Reed (3) were asked to pass the offering plates. They had no idea what to do, but they looked cute. Then, while we're singing "The Little Brown Church in the Vale," all of the children are invited to ring the church bell. I think that Ella and Reed could have pulled the rope for hours. :)

Don't Worry, No Pictures

2008-07-31T05:47:00.001-07:00

A few months ago, Deborah said, "Hmmm."

Last week I had my annual medical physical with Ted and he said, "Hmmm."

Two days later I saw the specialist who said, "Hmmm. Let's get a sample."

I did some Googling.

Tuesday the specialist called and said, "Good news and bad news. You have an appointment tomorrow with the surgeon."

I did more Googling.

Yesterday I saw the surgeon - a plastic surgeon.

Being rather naive when it comes to plastic surgeons, I anticipated being the lone male in a waiting room of "Bimbo Blondes." No offense intended. And no, this anticipation wasn't comparable to that of a teenager!

I was the lone male, surrounded by four females - two elderly women, one 12 or 13 year old girl, and her mother. Whew!

Then it was my turn. The plastic surgeon said, "Hmmm. But we can take care of that totally." So, he cut out a piece of skin, about 1.6cm x 5cm, and sent it to the patholgist. In situ melanoma, the best kind of melanoma to have.

I am preparing a message for preaching at the Little Brown Church on Sunday and the timing was perfect. But for now, I need to leave for work.

1:30 AM

2008-07-29T08:23:00.001-07:00

Why is it always the middle of the night? Last night around 1:30 am, the shrill of our smoke alarms sounded with three bursts. Then stopped. A few minutes later three more bursts followed by silence. This time it was enough for me to fully awaken to see what was happening.

Deborah and I checked the whole house and attic without finding anything. So, it must be a faulty signal. So we waited to see if they would go off again (because they stopped).

But our hopes were quickly dashed as they continued their sequence of three shrills, a brief silence, three more shrills and then about 5 minutes of silence. We have four alarms and they are connected so that one can set off all four. Two of the alarms had blinking green LED lights. Two had solid green LED lights.

I pushed the reset button on the blinking alarm in our garage. It changed to a solid green. But the one in our main living area, which happens to be about 16 feet off of the floor, was still blinking. So, we waited to see what would happen.

Nothing. Good news! So, off to bed we went.

Around 2:15 they started again.

Shoes on. Front door unlocked. Back out the car. Move stuff in order to get to the extension ladder. Carry it into the house. Carefully climb it (Deborah hates when I have to climb a ladder because of my Transverse Myelitis). Unfasten the alarm and disconnect it. Now it's ringing continually from the battery backup. Remove the battery. Enjoy the silence. Go back to bed and fall asleep around 3:00.

Why is it always the middle of the night?

2008-07-22T10:16:00.001-07:00

They seem extra-terrestrial.

And even disorganized without pattern or direction.

Yet, according to WikiAnswers...

Your nerves are one of the four types of tissues in your body; skin, muscle, connective tissue, and nerves. When all your nerves are put together, they make your nervous system. The nervous system is made up of three diferent kinds of nerves.

One kind specializes in bringing information into the brain from the senses. These are called afferent/sensory nerves. They help bring information into the five special senses; hearing, seeing, smelling, feeling, and tasting. In addition to there senses there are many others; like your sense of balance, temperature, pressure, vibration, movement, body position, pleasure, and pain.

Then there is another kind of nerve that interprets this information. They are called interneurons. You can think of these as the thinking part of the nervous system. They take all the incoming information and decide if something needs to be changed inside the body or outside the body. If a change is needed inside the body, the thinking nerves change the body temperature, help with digestion, or change the heart rate or breathing, etc. If a change needs to be made outside the body, then those same nerves tell other nerves to send a signal to the muscles in your body to make you talk, walk, run, fight, eat, or any other activity you may need to do to survive, or just get through your day.

The third kind of nerves are the ones that make your body move. They are called efferent/motor neurons and they are the ones that actually do the talking and the walking, etc, that I already mentioned.

But sometimes they present themselves as:

One of the THRILLS of having Transverse Myelitis is experiencing strong, electrical shocks. For me, they come in spurts, usually hanging around for a few days. Then, they take some time off to "recharge." :)

If you want to imagine what this is like, think of a shock somewhere between static electricity and sticking your finger in an electric outlet. Now, imagine a shock every 2-3 minutes right where your pelvis joins your leg, from 5:00 am to almost 7:00 am. Yes, they do wake you up! That was this morning. But, they eventually stopped and went back to the pit where they belong. :)

"Thank you, Lord."

Oops. Spoke too soon. Just had another one.

Maybe Isaiah had Transverse Myelitis - "Therefore are my loins filled with pain: pangs have taken hold upon me." (Isaiah 21:3)

Twinkle, Twinkle at Five

2008-07-20T10:48:00.001-07:00

Ella's now five and is doing wonderfully after her two cochlear implants. Her speech therapists say that she is right where five year old children should be. If you want to compare this video to her singing at two years old, just before her second implant, you can click here.

Good News or Bad News?

2008-07-01T16:19:00.001-07:00

Last Tuesday I had my MRI. It was quick with only 21 minutes of the KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK of the machine. And today I spoke with my neurologist's assistant. (I think that when one doesn't get a quick call from the doctor before the day you're supposed to call them, and then when you do call and you speak with the assistant, it means good news.)

Unremarkable. Nothing alarming. A little bit of disk degeneration from age, but nothing else and no treatment prescribed.

It reminds me of what I heard John Piper say.

"Suppose you had been having pain in your stomach and had been struggling with medicines and diets of all kinds to no avail. And then suppose that your doctor tells you after a routine visit that you have cancer in your small intestine. Would that be good news? You say, emphatically not! And I agree.

"But let me ask the question another way: Are you glad that the doctor discovered the cancer while it is still treatable, and that indeed it can be very successfully treated? You say, yes, I am very glad that the doctor found the real problem. Again I agree.

"So the news that you have cancer is not good news because having cancer is good. It is good news because knowing what is really wrong is good news, especially when it can be treated successfully."

Yes, this is speaking of a serious, life-threatening disease. And in my case the good news of not finding anything doesn't answer the question of, "Why increased pain and spasms?"

But, there are bigger good news/bad news issues we struggle with...

"That's what it's like to learn that the real problem behind anxiety is unbelief in the promises of God. It's not good news because the cancer of unbelief is good. It's good because KNOWING WHAT IS REALLY WRONG is good, especially because unbelief can be treated so successfully by our great physician.

"So I want to stress that finding out the connection between our anxiety and our unbelief is in fact very good news, because it is the only way to begin the battle with the real cause of our sin and get the victory that God can give us by the therapy of his Word and his Spirit."

Having a chronic illness with pain 24/7, no cure, no answers, and only some pain relief with medicine is no fun. In fact it is very easy to become anxious by wondering how can I cope with this another day, another week, another four years (I've had Transverse Myelitis for four years.).

But that's why John's words are so right on. "You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God."

It's not about good news or bad news, it's about the focus of our odyssey. It's about God.

Inflation - Five cents becomes five dollars

2008-06-16T11:42:00.001-07:00

While opening gifts on Father's Day Eve (I like to stretch out my special days!) Ella said that the Tooth Fairy gave her $5.00 for each of her lost teeth. Hmmm. I remember that her mother received $0.25 per tooth, and I think that I received a nickle.

How did this conversation start? Well...Deborah's front cap broke off on Friday and Ella was telling us that "big people don't get money from the Tooth Fairy for losing teeth."

Well, she is partially true. The "loser" doesn't get any money, but the dentist gets a lot of $$$!

She didn't have any pain, and she wouldn't let anyone sneak a picture of a toothless grin. Tomorrow she'll get a temporary replacement that'll do the trick until the new one is ready. So instead of getting a nice plasma TV before the Olympics, we'll fix her smile.

Pleading the Fifth

2008-06-14T08:49:00.001-07:00

Ella's birthday was Thursday. She is five years old. (I guess you can see that by the "5" on the cake.) We've been able to celebrate it each year with her.

Mentioning how Poppy (me) missed her birth because I was sent home to let out the dog, is an annual story. (Though I was rewarded by holding her before Grammy!) But our adult minds also recognize how special it is that because of her cochlear implants, she is able to hear us sing "Happy Birthday."

What are little girls made of?

2008-06-10T17:26:00.001-07:00

What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice, And all that's nice;

That's what little girls are made of.

(Click for Spanish or French)

It's an old Nursery Rhyme, written prior to 1877. And yes, it is how dads and grandfathers look upon their daughters and granddaughters.

This past weekend, I opened three metal storage containers for the first time in over 20 years. Over the years they have been moved a few times, but they have always been in my clothes closet. Inside are precious memories held on small pieces of celluloid, a product of the 1960's through the 1990's. 35mm slides. Hundreds upon hundreds of slides.

I'm getting them ready to convert into digital images so I want to make sure that 1) they are in order and 2) only the important ones are chosen.

From time to time I showed Deborah a long-forgotten picture of our girls. So little, so cute, so sweet. And no memory of pouty, moody, or back-talking. I've always had a special part of my heart for little girls.

The other day my phone rang. It was the mother of a young girl who has Transverse Myelitis. About a year ago I met them for lunch. We had a stranger to her who was a friend of mine that brought us together. Sometimes that's what it takes since there aren't many TMers around.

Her initial question involved someone else, but she did share about her daughter. When I saw her a year ago, she showed awesome recovery. But, a plateau is eventually reached. My heart aches for this little one and for her mother. We're having lunch again later this month.

All of "my" girls, by birth or friendship, here or across the globe, are sugar and spice and everything nice to me. And when it's my turn to be the encourager, no matter how tired I am, no matter how deep the nerve pain is, no matter what...encouraging them encourages me.

“Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.”
Proverbs 12:25 (NLT)

Friday's Recap

2008-06-09T06:52:00.001-07:00

My neurologist has asked to see me only 2x a year, so Friday was my 6 month checkup. (Kind of sounds like a dentist appointment. Fortunately, far less discomfort!) I actually got 3 for 1 because two residents joined him. I wouldn't be surprised if I was their first or second Transverse Myelitis patient.

Anyway, I told him (them) about all of my current symptoms that were worthy of mentioning because of their remarkability. In other words, I whined about the things that have changed or really bother me.

So, two prescription changes.

Provigil 200mg at breakfast and 200mg at 10:00 A.M. This is supposed to help with fatigue.

Zanaflex 2mg at breakfast, 2mg at lunch and 4mg at bedtime. This is to help with spasms.

I also mentioned that my right leg will "fall asleep" more easily than normal. Since it has been 3 years since my last MRI, I'll have that test in 2 weeks. He said that there may be pressure on nerves so a look-see is worth it, as well as it being time for a MRI.

It would be awesome to not need medication, and from time to time I'll try using smaller doses. But, the doctors tell me that I'm not taking very high doses now. So, I continue doing what they tell me to do.

Here's all of it.

Docusate Sodium 100mg 3x day (digestion)

Prilosec 20mg 3x per week (acid reflux from before TM)

Tylenol PM 2 every night (pain and mild sleep)

Zolpidem 10mg about 1 per week (sleep when needed)

Testosterone Injections 300mg every 2 weeks (energy and sense of well-being)

Lyrica 50mg 1x morning, 2x night (pain)

Citalopran HBR 40mg 1x day (depression - more than 50% of TMers suffer)

Vytorin 10/20 tablet 1x day (cholesterol from before TM)

Provigil 200 mg 1x @ breakfast, 1x @ 10:00 AM (energy)

Zanaflex 2mg 1x @ breakfast, 1x @ lunch, 2x at bedtime (spasms)

I'm Tired

2008-06-04T04:42:00.001-07:00

Since I see that my last post was about dreaming, it's interesting that this morning I'm writing about being tired. But, I am.

I'm tired of hearing about the Presidential race. I can't browse TV channels without noticing the hours upon hours of political pundents pontificating. Over and over they dance without substance, and frequently (to me) find it challenging to express truth and honesty.

But mostly, I've just been tired. Fatigued. All day. Every day. Not sleepy, but fatigued - mentally and physically. I see my neurologist on Friday, so we'll see what he says. But fatigue is one of the greatest and common challenges Transverse Myelitis victims experience.

But today is today, so time to get ready for work.

Dreaming

2008-05-10T06:50:00.001-07:00

I don't know if the experts make this distinction, but it seems to me that there are three categories of "dreams."

Day Dreams

Nightmares

Standard Dreams

Day dreaming seems to be living out fantasies in our minds while still awake. We exalt ourselves by being the hero, recipient of praise, winner of affection or attention, or hurting (words or action) someone who has done something that we don't like.

Nightmares, well they're nightmares! We dream of catastrophes that we never want to see happen. As children they frequently include falling forever through space and/or forgetting to get dressed (somehow) but still going to school.

Standard dreams are more inoculous. They seem to be rooted in reality and involve people, events, or things to do that we've been thinking about or working on. (I'm sure there are many, many other elements.)

Why did God give us the ability to dream? Only He knows. But last night I had a dream that had an element that had never been part of one of my dreams - at least as far as I can remember since we don't remember most of our dreams.

My dream had me disabled. Though I am (so not a nightmare), this morning I can remember that in my dream, I mentally had to work through the steps of picking something up from the floor.

I know, that doesn't seem like a big deal. It doesn't to me either except I don't know why I did dream that way or why I remembered it when I awoke.

Is it part of coming to terms with my
disability?

One Thing at a Time #20080426

2008-04-26T10:53:00.001-07:00

Number 1
No, this isn't one of my MRI photos. Far better than that. It's grandchild #3; Bethany's and Tony's #1. Don't know if it's a: nieto, nieta, sonson, sondotter, kleinzoon or kleindochter. But, we do know that he or she will be grand. Arrival - early October.

Number 2
Added a new medication - Zanaflex. I've been having spasms for the last 3-4 weeks which is longer than normal. Usually my spasms will last for 1-2 weeks and then disappear for weeks. But these are different. So far, no change.

Number 3
OK, I just might give in and see a movie at the theater. Call me cheap, but $8.00 or whatever it is for a movie, plus popcorn and drink make for an expensive two hours. I was first hooked while on a business trip to Lima, Peru. I saw the marquee and thought, "This looks like fun." And it was. May 22 is the day!

Number 4
Last weekend, Deborah and I had a wedding to attend in Charleston, SC. It was also the end of her mother's 3-month stay with us so we had to first drive to Hartsville, SC to drop her off at Deborah's #3 sister's home. To break up the trip we spent the night there. We I got up in the morning and was packing up to leave, I noticed that the plastic bottle which I keep in my bag while traveling was on the night stand. It holds some Tums. "Hmmm," I thought. "Deborah must have needed one. But how did she know that I had some Tums?"

So, I asked her. And what did she tell me?

That in a strange bedroom, in the dark, I walked to the bathroom, turned on the light so I could see in the bedroom, found my briefcase, told her what I was doing, got the bottle, took a Tums, turned off the light, and got back into bed. Oh boy. Lock the bedroom door from the outside!

After Going to Bed

2008-04-17T16:12:00.001-07:00

I don't think I've ever watched the 11:00 PM news on TV. I'm not sure how any working person can stay up that late - unless, of course, the syllables "teen" or "twen" are part of your age.

But last night WDEF-TV12 had a feature on Bible in the Schools. (Video Here)

So now, besides a Hollywood Walk of Fame Star... which Oscar is more befitting?

Front Page

2008-04-09T18:13:00.001-07:00

Well, I made it into an article on the front page of our paper. They even have a partial audio of the phone interview I had with the reporter. I don't want this post to generate undesired readership, so you'll need to read the article to know the subject.

So, here's the link if you've got nothing else to read before bedtime!

And, I've been interviewed by a local radio station, received calls from other Tennessee counties, and will be on TV next week. Is this what's next?

A Little One

2008-04-08T17:50:00.001-07:00

Bright and early this morning I had one of my quarterly doctor appointments. While I was in the office I found out that a local, young teen girl has gotten Transverse Myelitis. I don't know who she is but my heart was immediately touched.

A fallen world brings pain and suffering even to the little ones. Please pray for her and her family.

Standing for 210

2008-04-06T13:05:00.001-07:00

Today was home missions day at my church. All of the local non-profits that we support were invited to set up a display table. So...for 210 minutes - from 9:30 to 1:00 - I stood and spoke with people.

Most knew about Bible in the Schools because of its long history in Chattanooga and having a number of church members who were teachers or serve(d) on the board. But many had never seen our display (which is very nice) and I had two short video presentations playing on my laptop also.

It was good, but, 210 minutes are a killer on these legs. So I think a good cup of coffee, a little NASCAR, and stretching them out on my couch are well deserved. I think I'll also travel around the world by catching up with my friends' blogs. It's a trip I love to take.

Why do I have to look so good?

2008-04-05T10:17:00.001-07:00

Sounds vain, doesn’t it? But believe me in that I’ve never stood in front of a mirror and done a “Fonzie.”

Though, I have to confess that I’ve thought about this recently - but not like you’d think.

One challenge that I have, is to most people I look normal (defined as physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy). I imagine that people who use a cane, crutches or wheelchair would do anything to be able to walk as well as I am able. But because I “look so good” people, even those who know me, don’t know that walking is only one of the many consequences of TM.

How is that a challenge? I feel like I constantly have to explain why I can’t do either what people ask me to do or what I feel I should do. In reality it’s my problem because I don’t feel like I’m living up to their expectations of me.

But there’s a deeper issue on looking good that troubles me.

Why do we have to look so good at church? I posed that question to my Sunday school class a few months ago. “To show honor and respect” was the answer with which I don’t dispute. If a queen, king, or president would visit our home, would we not clean up and look our best?

Yet, what would be our attitude if one of the church elders would serve communion in cutoffs, a faded t-shirt and bare-footed? (Now, I’m speaking of my church where the norm is suit and tie and the atmosphere is formal.) Would I…would you… have any thought about this???

So, what’s my point? I believe that for the most part we put our best face forward because we want to look good for others. So, here we are at church, smiling, shaking hands, fellowshipping, drinking coffee (Thank you church for the great coffee!), and answering, “Fine. How are you?”

Meanwhile, we don’t know what “consequences” others are experiencing, dealing with, frustrated with, feeling guilt over, or _____________________. (Fill in the blank.)

Wouldn’t we know people better and they know us better if we didn’t clothe ourselves in the vanity of self-righteousness by trying to look normal?

There is a Reason

2008-04-01T15:21:00.001-07:00

Yes, I know I've been blog-absent for over a month.

Vacation? No.
Hospitalized? No.
Unable to find the power button on my laptop? No.
Too busy training for the North Pole Marathon? No.
Staying up late at night because it's March Madness? No. Well, maybe...
.oN .sdrawkcab si gnihtyreve taht os retupmoc ym htiw dessem enoemoS
I can't think of anything to say? No. Some say that's never my problem. :)

There is a reason. I've actually been exhausted. One of the major problems TM people mention is fatigue - serious, continual fatigue. Wake up in the morning - tired. By 10:00 AM - ready to take a nap (but I don't because I'm at work). By 1:00 PM I could just close my eyes, relax, and rest. Get home from work around 5:00 PM and I just want to collapse on the couch but dinner needs to be prepared. Plus, falling asleep at 5:00 doesn't help staying asleep all night!

Medicine can play a role. But (according to a doctor friend of mine) when your body is fighting pain every moment of every day, it gets tired. And then, add the physical and mental stress of dealing with limitations and disability and watching where I walk and always creating enough space around me so that I can adjust my balance when standing and working full time and.... Well, you get the idea.

I've just been too tired to think at night and that's when I write my thoughts here.

But, I've got some thoughts. Stay tuned!

Heaven?

2008-02-29T18:38:00.001-08:00

Kevin, my newest and last son-in-law gave me, his new father-in-law, a special gift at the rehearsal dinner. So, I made the appointment at the Natural Body Spa & Shoppe for a deep tissue massage and cashed in the gift card this afternoon.

First...when I think "spa" I think female or metro sexual. So, I dressed real burly :) and arrived at 3:15.

I've never had a professional massage and wondered if it would be...well, really weird or something. And, with Transverse Myelitis, I was curious as to the effectiveness on tight, but nonsensitive legs.

75 minutes later...

My, oh my, oh my.

I'm now trying to figure out how to save some money every month to make it a therapeutic necessity! But, don't look for me to ask for a facial next. :)

But heaven? Not a chance.

Planning One and Doing Another

2008-02-26T11:02:00.001-08:00

About a month ago, I was asked to bring a short devotional for a group at my church. So, last week, I started to think about it and decided to talk about Jesus' last journey into Jerusalem. I had my two pages of notes put together and my "visual" (a comic strip featuring Truffles, Ronald Ann and Opus).

But then yesterday afternoon I ditched it all and changed to the theme of facing giants in our lives. It was pretty last minute since the meeting started at 5:00 PM. But I included a vignette that I heard from a dear high school friend who passed away from Hodgkins while in his 30's.

Though we didn't know it until years later, Richard Flegle and I crossed paths many times before we were even 10 years old. We were both child singers who would be asked to sing at events, but different months. While in high school we became friends and did many things together. He would have the play lead and I would be one of the other actors. He was president of the choir and I was vice-president. We double dated (though he married his high school sweetheart and I found my bride in college). We were both involved in Campus Life. He was smart - National Honor Society - and I hung out with smart people. :)

After graduation we went to different colleges. But following graduation, we both ended up working with Campus Life on Long Island, NY. Eventually he followed his musical and acting abilites to first perform professionally (secular) and eventually to leave this career to begin his own Christian music and acting ministry. I always would give him a call when I returned to Minneapolis to get together and catch up on life. But then his battle with Hodgkins caught up with him.

My parents loved him as well, and they would sent to me his recordings. On one of them he recited the following which was authored by Dennis Johnson. With his acting skills, he was able to give wonderful voices to each character. I've always kept a copy. And, with my limited abilities, I shared it last night at the end of my devotional. So, as you read it, try to imagine an accent and voice for each character.

Narrator: The master was searching for a vessel to use. Before him were many. Which one would he choose?

Gold: “Take me,” cried the gold one. “I’m shiny and bright. I am of great value and I do things just right. My beauty and luster will outshine the rest, and for someone like you master, gold would be best.”

Narrator: The master passed on with no word at all. And looked at a silver urn, shiny and narrow and tall.

Silver: “I’ll serve you, dear master. I’ll pour out your wine. I’ll be on your table whenever you dine. My lines are so graceful, my carving so true, and my silver will certainly complement you.”

Narrator: Unheeding, the master passed on to the vessel of brass, wide-mouthed and shallow and polished like glass.

Brass: “Here, here,” cried the vessel. “I know I will do. Place me on your table for all men to view.”

Narrator: The master came next to the vessel of wood, polished and carved it solidly stood.

Wood: “You may use me, dear master,” the wood bowl said. “But I’d rather you use me for fruit, not for bread.”

Narrator: Then the master looked down on a vessel of clay. Empty and broken, it helplessly lay. No hope had the vessel that the master might choose, to cleanse and make it whole to fill and to use.

Master: “Oh, this is the vessel I’ve been hoping to find. I’ll mend it and use it and make it all mine. I need not the vessel with the pride of its self, nor one that is narrow to sit on the shelf. Nor one that is big-mouthed and shallow and loud, nor one that displays it’s contents so proud.”

Narrator: Then gently he lifted that vessel of clay, mended and cleansed it and filled it that day. He spoke to it kindly.

Master: “There’s work you must do. Just pour out to others what I pour into you.”

In fighting giants in our lives - health, relationships, financial, family, memories, sin, guilt, and so many other things, I believe that though the world shouts, "Be gold! Be silver! Be bronze! Be wood!" that nothing works better than to be broken clay in the hands of the Master.

An Email From Half-a-World Away

2008-02-22T18:54:00.001-08:00

A few days ago, I opened an email and read...

Dear Doug,

Hopefully you remember Gwen and me from First Pres. We are in Singapore now looking for housing and praying for an employment pass.

I have a question.

We have a good friend and supporter whose husband mysteriously got paralyzed from the waist down from something called "transverse myelitis". He is in the hospital now and they are really frustrated. I seem to remember you had a similar condition but I have no idea if
it is the same or something else. If there is any connection I would love to hook you and them up as I am sure you would know how he is feeling and what he is going through currently. Also maybe to give them a little hope.

Thanks for listening. Hope you're doing well.

Blessings.

Sometimes when one suffers, a bit of sympathy is enough. Like when we catch a cold, a "Hope you feel better soon!" meets the need. But deep suffering cries for empathy. We long not for the advice from well-meaning friends (see below) but for the quiet understanding from another who is passing through the same dark waters.

Transverse Myelitis is one of those disabling illnesses where cases are few and far between. Often times, even physicians aren't fully knowledgeable of this disease's nuances. It causes a spinal cord injury and they treat it as such. But in all liklihood, you may be their only TM patient.
So, we cling to those who's eyes and words reflect a comfort that gives strength for another day. And when we're the ones others look to, well it gives us strength as well.

I hope they email or call.

Well-meaning Friend: The woman who told me that she knows how the tingling feels in my legs because she has a tingling once in awhile on her lip: I think that's called a cold sore!

Good News & Just News

2008-02-21T09:36:00.001-08:00

Good News! I can't believe it. Shipped my laptop to Dell Monday afternoon and received it all fixed on Wednesday morning. The Ethernet port stopped working and because it's integrated into the mother board, they had to replace that. Which, solved another slight problem: the power cord would fall out of its socket with hardly any effort. Thank you Dell!

Just News. The last two days have been painful. Because of Transverse Myelitis, the nerves do nothing or do strange things. Tingling is the most common effect in my legs - 24/7. But from time to time, sharp, electrical shock, stabbing pains occur. They come and go, usually staying for a few days and then going on vacation for awhile. Since Monday, I have had excessively painful shocks in my right thigh, probably 5-10 times an hour. There's nothing one can do except say,

Yeow!

Thankfully they've gone to Hawaii again.

Withdrawal

2008-02-19T13:05:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I sent my laptop to Dell for a replacement motherboard. So...I'm going through withdrawal because that's the only machine I have at home where I do my posting and personal email. (I'm sneaking two minutes at the end of a workday to post this.)

I do work hard to keep personal and work separate. I'm not paid to play even though I do work when it's time to play. So...I got the call from Dell a few moments ago that they did receive the laptop. Now it's just a waiting game. Hopefully by Friday I'll have it back! But, no promises.

To make this a bit about work. Last week while nursing a cold at home, I worked on content on our new work website. We're finding a few bugs and still need to so some tweaking. Any comments and suggestions? Love to have some. Here's the link.

Interesting...and very challenging.

2008-02-16T14:44:00.001-08:00

Day Three

2008-02-08T06:51:00.001-08:00

Today is my third day nursing a cold. This is the first one I've had since getting Transverse Myelitis. Because studies have shown that a great number of people contracted TM following a virus, I've tried to be careful. Why? Besides not enjoying them, I don't know!

But...the odds have to catch up eventually. So, whenever I can figure out who passed this germ to me... :)

She Said It Was Beautiful

2008-02-07T15:43:00.001-08:00

Our middle daughter recently had to make a "business" trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. I think that as you see these pictures that Bethany's trip deserves air quote marks!

Evidently this is a "committee meeting!"

This must be the "airport shuttle."

But she's right. It is beautiful. :)

Transverse Myelitis & Spoons?

2008-02-04T17:00:00.001-08:00

Many people are kind and ask how I am doing. It's always an interesting question because I'm not sure how to answer. Do they want specifics? Or, do they really want the short answer, "OK"?

Yet, how do I get people to understand the effects of Transverse Myelitis, especially when for the most part, I look fine? (And, there are many effects.) Looking fine/normal makes it easy to feel guilty that I should do more

A couple of years ago I read the following story by Christine Miserandino, founder of "But You Don't Look Sick?" Her story of living with Lupus relates so very well to one of the effects of TM, MS, and a plethora of similar diseases.

The Spoon Theory

"My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being affected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table..."

You can read the rest of her story here. I think it's worth your time.

Knee Update

2008-01-27T16:03:00.001-08:00

I've been negligent the last couple of weeks with my posting. And many have asked about Deborah. Well...

She has recovered far quicker than I expected. She is able to do more and more walking without using a crutch.
She is planning (as of this evening) to return to teaching her 1st grade students.
She has a tendency to push herself which has helped with recovery.
She has a tendency to push herself which causes her to say, "I did too much yesterday."
The surgeon said that things look good and he expects a strong recovery.

We're both thankful for prayers and for the special dinners brought in by friends.

Good Results

2008-01-15T17:01:00.001-08:00

Darkness permeates every corner of the room. Sleep is deep and comfortable. And then...

4:45 AM - Alarm goes off.
5:30 AM - Drive to hospital.
6:00 AM - Deborah checks in for her knee surgery.
6:40 AM - Deborah is called to pre-op.
7:15 AM - I'm called back to pre-op.
7:25 AM - Pastor Steve shows up for prayer.
7:40 AM - Deborah is wheeled to surgery.
8:00 AM - I'm given an "all is going fine" update.
8:10 AM - Surgeon comes out to me with pictures and says all went as expected.
8:45 AM - I'm invited to see Deborah in Recovery.
9:30 AM - She's discharged.
10:00 AM - Arrive home and tuck her into bed.

Two tears in her meniscus and some cartilage reshaping, and still got home before lunch. Even in 2008 same day surgery astonishes me.

Role Reversal

2008-01-11T16:31:00.001-08:00

This afternoon I picked up my wife at the school where she teaches. An EKG was scheduled for 5:00 PM. But not for me - it was for her.

Next Tuesday morning at 6:00 AM, we have to be at the hospital for knee surgery. She has a torn meniscus. In November she slipped on a wet floor at school and her "gracefulness" took over as it usually does and she totally wiped out.

So, she's used a crutch and worn a knee brace while negotiating Workman's Compensation Insurance and waiting, waiting and more waiting for decisions to be made.

Deborah is a real trooper. Even with pain and a sore armpit from the crutches, she has taught every day since the accident. She also thinks that recovery will be quick. But, at least she agreed with me and got a substitute for two weeks. :)

Oh, Rats! - Part 2

2008-01-05T13:32:00.001-08:00

One morning about two months ago, Deborah mentioned to me that she had heard banging noises during the night. "It was a bang, bang, bang, bang, bang for about 15 minutes." So, I first walked around the outside of the house, looking for loose siding. Instead, what I found was a hole under the metal sheathing between our outside AC and heating unit and the house. It was easy to tell that while digging the hole, the critter had hit the sheathing with his paws.

So I think, maybe it's a raccoon or even worse, a possum. And I hate possums. So, I plugged up the opening with dirt and an old brick thinking that would do the trick.

Next night, bang, bang, bang, bang...again for 15-20 minutes. The next morning, the hole had been re-dug and the brick pushed out of the way.

Plan B

I phoned a critter catcher who for $300 would set and monitor a trap. $300? I think not. At least not yet. So I Googled a bit and read how it is possible to know if the critter is under the house or has left. Possums only stay in one place for a few days. All I had to do is crinkle up some newspaper, sprinkle it with flour, put it in the hole, and the paw prints would tell the story.

Two days later, the paper was still untouched. Figuring that the critter had left before I put in the newspaper, I dug a bigger hole, put in a five pound stone and the brick and plugged up the hole again.

No more banging -- Plan B worked!

Then the rat. Hmm. Maybe it wasn't a possum or raccoon, but a rat. And the rat went to rat hell. (Sorry, but I can't imagine rats in heaven.) So the problem was solved by only spending $1.49 instead of $300.

My mother-in-law is spending three months with us. (Hey, no mother-in-law/rat jokes!) This morning, she said that she heard pounding from the attic during the night.

Oh no, we have an infestation!!! Since we had watched Ratatouille over Christmas, all I could think was the scene with thousands of scurrying rats.

But when I looked in the attic, which is clean and well lit, nothing. Everything looked just fine. Well, there was only one thing left to do. I was going to need to crawl under the house. (We have a 2' high crawl space.)

Plan C

I backed my car out of the garage so that I could get to my tools. The first thing I checked was a mouse trap that I still have out. Nope, not sprung. Then I grabbed my flashlight and knee pads since it's called a crawl space.

We have two small door openings to use, one on each side of the house. While walking to the first opening I thought, "Should I get a hammer or screw driver to protest myself if the possum or possums flair their teeth and attack? I don't have a gun or taser. Maybe I shouldn't do this. No, I'm a guy. It's only a possum." And I continued to the small door.

I put on the knee pads, picked up the flashlight and knelt in front of the door, ready to enter. I unlatched the door and began to swing it open. Then it happened. Something large startled me, causing me to move quickly out of the way. It was larger than a rat, larger than a possum, larger than a raccoon. Light brown hair and what's that I see? A collar?

It was a dog. And boy was he excited to see me! After a few moments of joyful tag wagging, off he ran. But how did he get in? How long had he been under the house? There were scratch marks by both doors, so he had tried to get out. The bricks were still in place. So I crawled under our deck up to the foundation where I found openings between floor joists and the foundation. He probably climbed in and then couldn't get out. Mystery solved.

But Monday, I think I'm going to call our builder and ask, "Are four openings under the deck part of the building code?"

And yes, this is a true story. All of it. Every thought, every paranoia, every word.

Oh, Rats!

2008-01-05T07:09:00.001-08:00

No pictures, but I killed a rat in our garage last Wednesday. Something had gotten into our wild bird food before Christmas, so when we returned from N.C., I bought a mouse trap, assuming that it was a mouse.

Unless mice can grow to 6" plus tail, it was a rat. A big, ugly, dead as a doornail, frozen stiff rat. So, being the he-man that I am, I got a pair of pliers, picked him up by the tail, and through him into the garbage can. (What did you think I would do. Use my hands to pick him up? I think not!)

Why do we think they are cute in Ratatouille?

iGoogle & Spurgeon

2008-01-03T15:31:00.001-08:00

A few months ago, I started using iGoogle as my home page. Being able to catch a quick glimpse of the weather (even though I have large windows in my office and can see if it's raining or not!), news and sports headlines, my gmail accounts, "Today in History", and other non-essential windows into life is helpful. Last week, I even created my first iGoogle gadget. As simple as it looks, I spent hours (while on vacation) figuring out the code. Hopefully I'll get better because I've got some more ideas to help promote work.

One gadget that I enjoy reading is a daily quote from Charles Spurgeon. Today's quote is so true.

Many might have failed beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend."

If you've gone through a deep trial and had a friend who understands and stands with you, you know how God has used him or her to keep you from wallowing in the slough of despondency. I am so thankful for the dear friends that God has given to me.

My 40th Birthday

2007-12-31T13:26:00.001-08:00

On my birthday early in December, another birthday came to mind. It’s a 40 year old birthday. I’m not sure of the exact day. I just know that it was during Christmas break. This birth didn't take place in Minneapolis but in Duluth, Minnesota. That’s right, Duluth -- in the middle of the winter. Not far from International Falls where meteorologists like to mention the winter low temperatures.

I was seated towards the rear of the conference auditorium. Though the room was filled with hundreds of high school students, I felt like the words spoken by Bill Aiken were directed only at me.

But let me back up a bit first.

For Christmas in 1967, I asked my parents for one gift – money. But the money wasn't to buy new clothes or the latest LP. (If you’re under 30, you may have to follow that link.) Instead, it was to attend a Youth for Christ winter retreat in Duluth. The cost for the retreat was about $150, a large sum for a Christmas gift. But the money was in my stocking on Christmas morning.

No bus, car or van trip to Duluth. Instead, we all took the train. No longer can I remember the retreat details. No memories of the music or of the crazy activities that YFC was famous for. But, I’m sure an electric stool had to be part of the games that were a centerpiece of keeping high school kids entertained.

Like most retreats there were group sessions. So in a filled room I sat, yet I was alone with Bill.

I'm confident his stories were funny and his passion was engaging because five years later we were working together. But there is only one thing I remember.

For look at your own calling as Christians, my brothers. You don't see among you many of the wise (according to this world's judgment) nor many of the ruling class, nor many from the noblest families. But God has chosen what the world calls foolish to shame the wise; he has chosen what the world calls weak to shame the strong. He has chosen things of little strength and small repute, yes and even things which have no real existence to explode the pretensions of the things that are - that no man may boast in the presence of God. Yet from this same God you have received your standing in Jesus Christ, and he has become for us the true wisdom, a matter, in practice, of being made righteous and holy, in fact, of being redeemed. And this makes us see the truth of scripture: 'He who glories, let him glory in the Lord.'
1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (J.B. Phillips)

I was blessed by growing up with outstanding Christian parents and extended family. My church had outstanding Bible teaching. Vacation Bible School (2 weeks long) was an annual event. And from before my memory can remember, I was in church choirs as well as being a child soloist. Years later, my parents told me that at one service, our pastor, Dr. Paul S. Rees, picked me up and had me stand on the pulpit so people could see me. For years, summer church camp at Covenant Pines was a highlight.

In ninth grade, I was able to attend Minnehaha Academy. Yes, that is the name of my Christian high school. And during my senior year, I found myself in Duluth understanding for the first time that God was speaking about me when Bill read, "God has chosen what the world calls foolish to shame the wise; he has chosen what the world calls weak to shame the strong. He has chosen things of little strength and small repute...."

In spite of the teaching I had listened to all my life, I had struggled with how God could love me.

I wasn't the academic student, the most popular, the homecoming candidate, or the soccer captain. I was more like Calvin - but without Hobbes.

So I would wallow in my insecurities - many of which were unfounded because my best friends were honor society members, I began playing varsity soccer as a tenth grader, did have lead parts in plays and musicals, was vice-president of the choir, and dated cute girls (even the Minnesota governor's daughter!) What more could a guy want?

Just real acceptance."

That night in Duluth, forty years ago, the scales fell from my spiritual eyes and I understood that God loved me. Had called me. And as 1 Peter 1:3 says, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead."

I don't know if it was forty years ago yesterday, today, or tomorrow. But it's a birth day that was celebrated in eternity.

2007-12-29T14:47:00.001-08:00

Well, I did want to put up a slideshow with some of our Christmas pictures yesterday. But, it never got done. No excuse since the only things I did that were productive were to pick up some drycleaning and get a haircut.

So, to get rid of my guilt, here are 20 pictures of the 150+ that were taken. Don't you just love digital cameras so we don't have to pay for processing and prints!

We had an awesome time and enjoyed being the "old folks" so we got the master bedroom with the kingsized bed! No snow, but cold enough to use the fireplaces.

Back To or Back From?

2007-12-27T15:50:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure what it is - back to civilization or back from civilization. Our Christmas holiday in the North Carolina mountains was wonderful. And whether or not it is to or from, we're back.

Like most vacations and holidays, we arrive home ready for some rest. (Ironic, isn't it?) So, now that I've skimmed my email I'm calling it quits for the day. I'll be back in the morning.

Over the River and Through the Woods

2007-12-21T05:45:00.001-08:00

This afternoon we're headed deep into the North Carolina mountains for the next 5 or 6 days. Cari and Phillip were able to get his father's cabin for Christmas. It's a Destination Properties resort. Cari thinks that there is access, but if not, have a wonderful Christmas.

Now...what do I still need to do today?

Fill the bird feeder.
Cover the BBQ grill. (Cooked hamburgers last night.)
Cancel the newspaper.
Pick up my shirts at the laundry.
Buy AA and AAA batteries. (Do you know how many batteries grandchildren's presents take? LOTS!)
Buy two gift certificates.
Get new glasses adjusted so they don't slide down my nose.
Gas up the car.
Wrap four presents.
Pack my things. (Easy.)
Pack the car. (Hard with all that Deborah has gotten for meals and presents.)
And everything else that Deborah asks me to do.

So, I better get busy. She's out buying the HoneyBaked ham and all I've done is have breakfast.

Oh oh, I think I just heard a car door slam!

Maybe This Will Be The Last One

2007-12-20T11:20:00.001-08:00

Well, after seeing the pictures, I must make one more post of Amy and Kevin's wedding.

Blog Post on the Wedding by the Photographer

Photo Slideshow by the Photographer

Neither link takes long to view and even if you don't find great pleasure in seeing more pictures of the wedding, I do. :)

Beauty

2007-12-18T09:17:00.001-08:00

This video has been part of my YouTube favorite list for awhile. But last night while walking the mall waiting for my new eyeglasses, it came to mind. (Please excuse anything that you know I wouldn't support that tags along with the video.)

For a couple of months, I've had a letter to write. I still haven't gotten around to it - maybe next week while on Christmas break. (A secret, so don't tell, but it is to Deborah.)

When we are young, the smile, the laugh, the sparkling eyes, the beauty of a person catches our attention. So, we court, our hearts are captured, we become engaged, and marry.

Though we are faithful (both men and women), we still notice beauty. But youthful beauty fades like watching the above video backwards, along with the hormonal-driven heart flutters. And what we're left with is true beauty expressed through love, sacrifice, understanding, patience, kind words, thoughtful touch, prayers, memories, and so many other things.

At least for me, that's why I can notice beauty and not be tempted to "trade in for a newer model." I love the beauty that gave herself to me.

Glasses - hrumph!

2007-12-18T07:46:00.001-08:00

Yesterday after work, I saw my optometrist. It's only been three years! So, he tested, blew air onto my eyeballs, stabbed my eyes with extremely bright light to look inside, confused my vision by flipping between lens strengths for both near and far, and finally said, "Yup, you need a new prescription."

So, off to the racks and racks of frames with total confusion and wondering...

Are these for men
or women?

But a young "Vision Associate" came over and helped with my confusion. "It'll be about one hour," was the promise after we had settled upon a new look.

Of course, two hours later I was told that one of the lenses had a halo so they would both need to be reground. "Shouldn't take more than another 30 minutes."

Figuring the weakness of the word, "shouldn't", I decided to go home and I'll return tomorrow to pick them up. Two days should be enough time! :)

But the experience reminded me of my first pair of glasses.

I was a young boy. My mother wore glasses. My father wore glasses. My sister wore glasses. My brother was probably 4 or 5 years old and didn't wear glasses (yet). And I didn't wear glasses. But I thought that it would be cool to wear glasses.

Trailing along with my parents to their optometrist, I was given an eye exam. And I thought, "All I have to do is un-focus my eyes and I'll get glasses." So, during the exam, I made my eyes blur what I was being asked to see. I was about 11 years old and sure that I could fool the eye doctor.

Well...looking back at the event I am confident that I didn't fool him, or my parents. But I got a pair of glasses; the latest plastic frames of the 1960 era, with a prescription that was hardly noticeable.

Unless I wore them.

I couldn't use them without getting a headache because my vision was 20/20 or even better! So, here I was thinking that they made me look cool or distinguished when in reality not only had I been trying to fool the doctor and my parents, but I had fooled myself. And now, to hide my deceit, I still had to wear them when I was reading. And I loved to read.

Eventually they were forgotten and lost in the back of a drawer.

But age did catch up and sometime in my 30's the words in my Bible began to be fuzzy. Fuzzy eventually evolved into indistinguishable. And glasses are a necessity that don't make me look cool or distinguished - just $300 poorer.

Every Six Months

2007-12-15T10:38:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I had my neurologist appointment. It's been six months. It's interesting in that I really don't mind paying the $30 copay even if it was every month. Why? Well, it's always nice to talk with someone who wants to know how things are going.

He asked me. And I told him.

Walking shows no change.
Sensations are the same - tingling, spasms, shocks, etc. vary but never leave.
Fatigue is chronic - probably worse than a year ago.
I think that I'm struggling more with memory and cognitive issues.
Sometimes I have to force my eyes to stay focused (not a blurring issue, but a "stay looking at one point" issue).

So, we're adjusting the Lyrica to 75mg at night from 100mg to see if that helps with #3-5, especially #4 & #5. Fatigue is a common side effect with TM and MS.

Otherwise, all is OK. We'll talk in 30 days to see if the medicine helps and the next appointment is in six months - unless there's a problem. No visits between, so I'll save $150! :)

Who Gives This Bride?

2007-12-08T11:51:00.001-08:00

A question that is asked at most every wedding. A question that challenges ... if a father puts thought into it. And, this being the third daughter to give away, I finally thought about it some.

I memorized the points and rolled them over in my mind as we were waiting in the narthex. Amy and I walked down the aisle and I centered ourselves as we had rehearsed. Then the question was asked.

Who gives this bride to this groom?

And about half of my thoughts disappeared. That's all too typical over the last few years. It's either TM or the medications I take. Probably both.

Regardless, I thought I would consider this my last wedding post.

Amy, you were the first of the three jewels that were blessed into our family

- that we loved, we cherished, we nurtured, we disciplined,

we clothed, we fed, and we prayed for.

And now, her mother and I entrust her to Kevin,

as the spiritual, as the godly representative to this new family.

It's My Birthday!

2007-12-07T09:40:00.001-08:00

Today is my birthday. I have a yummy cheesecake with cherry topping in the refrigerator - a gift from Deborah. When she usually stops by Fresh Market to surprise me with one, it's always been the individual, one-serving size. Not this time. :) I see four servings!

I can still remember when I wanted to get older....

Old enough to ride a bike.

Old enough to begin shaving.

Old enough to not think that girls had cooties. (Yes, that was before high school.)

Old enough to attend Minnehaha Academy.

Old enough to get a driver's license.

Old enough to graduate from high school.

Old enough to begin college.

Old enough to turn 18. Now, I'm finally an adult!

Old enough to finish schooling.

Old enough to turn 21. Now, I'm finally an adult!

Old enough to get married and begin building a home and family.

Old enough to turn 30 so that people wouldn't think I was still in high school. Now, people will think of me as being an adult!
(My family has always looked younger. When I graduated from college, people thought my sister was still in high school. She was married, had a daughter, and is four years older than I.)

And I think that that's the last time I wanted to be older. At least in marking my birth.

Now, I want to be...

Older in giving love to my wife, children, spouses, and grandchildren.

Older in believing in my soul that "Why not me." is not a question.

Older in recognizing that from younger mouths can come great words.

Older in grasping "My grace is sufficient."

Older in knowing that I'm both indigenous and a pilgrim.

Older in running from those things that draw me away from God.

Older in not being so selfish, rebellious, self-centered, and any other word that fits.

Older in knowing - not just reading - God's word to us, the Bible.

Older in resting in the loving arms of God when trials come.

Older in being a living testimony of God's grace and mercy.

There's a bigger birthday approaching quickly. A 40 year anniversary. But, I'll leave that to another day.

Oh yeah. How many? Fifty-seven years since my dad dug the car out of 16 inches of snow for the ride to the hospital. Snow, of which 10 inches had fallen over the last three days and daily temperatures were in the upper 20s. Citation.

Who Are You?

2007-12-06T15:53:00.001-08:00

Way down there in the right hand column, I put a new element - NeoCounter. It counts people who visit here by country. Since I added this I've thought, OK, I know where some of my friends live, but who are these people from places like Argentina, Chile, Belgium, Denmark, or India?

Did they like what they read or hate it? Maybe they just didn't care.

Will they ever come back?

I hope so.

Perhaps I need to add a guestbook they can sign so I don't stay awake nights wondering.

Tag, You're It

2007-12-05T14:27:00.001-08:00

Tag is a game that many of us played as children. It always started with shouts of "Not it!", with the last person having to be "It." These days, it can be a different story. A Santa Monica elementary school has banned the game of tag, once synonymous with youth and innocence, because they say it creates self-esteem issues among weaker and slower children. Oh pleezzee! At least they haven't banned Internet tag - and Jimena tagged me all the way from France. (BTW Jimena, I was your last choice???)

So, now it's my turn to think of seven weird or unique things about me.

Only seven?

1. I hate fried egg sandwiches. OK, maybe that's not weird, but my mother fixing them for my sister and me for years, knowing that we hated them...now that's weird!

2. I fill out free samples requests on the Internet. Anyone need a .1 oz. sample of silk leaf cleaner?

3. While working in our new bookstore during my first month in Bolivia, I told untold numbers of people, "No hay." (For those who believe that Taco Bell serves authentic Mexican food, that's Spanish for "We don't have any." They were asking for lapiceros (pens). I had learned the word, plumafuente (fountain pen), lapiz (pencil), and boligrafo(pen). But not lapicero. And we had thousands of lapiceros/pens. I know that these confused Bolivians thought I was weird!

4. This is more unique. While in seventh or eighth grade, I watched one of my friends, Dan Koch, step out into a busy street, get hit by a car, go flying in the air, and get up with only a skinned knee.

5. Here's another weird, scary, and unique thing. In fourth grade, one of my friends, John, ended up burning down our elementary school a few years later.

6. When I moved from Minnesota to South Carolina to attend college, people say that I emphatically proclaimed, "I will only marry a blue-eyed, blond-haired northern girl." Well, you know how that goes.

7. In the 1950's, the cartoon strip, Dennis the Menace was extremely popular. There was a contest in Minneapolis for the boy most like Dennis. My parents didn't want to enter me because they were scared I would win. Sadly, I don't think it was just because I was skinny and had pure blond hair.

8. Oh that's right, only seven. Whew!!

So, who's the lucky recipient? Because like Jimena, though for different reasons, I'm doing just one. The rules are you're to tag seven people - I'm a tag puriest in that in the old game, you only had to tag one person :).

This is going back across the Atlantic to Germany. Tag - you're it Mary Ellen.

An Anniversary Milestone

2007-12-05T12:50:00.001-08:00

Weeks ago, I marked today on my calendar as a "Personal Day." When establishing paid holidays for Bible in the Schools employees a year ago, I decided to give one floating holiday as well. So today was mine. And on this "floating" holiday, I attended a funeral for a woman I had never met.

Mrs. Lorraine Ford was 89 years old when she died this past week. Her daughter, Deb, has been a friend for over 30 years. But I had never met her mother. It was a lovely funeral in that Mrs. Ford was an outstanding Christian mother, wife, and church volunteer. But there was one additional factor that made me think, Wow!

Vic, her husband, is 93. They celebrated 71 years of matrimony together.

I don't remember every knowing or hearing of a 71 year old marriage. Deborah and I are only at 34 years.

Some Days You Just Need This

2007-12-04T17:35:00.001-08:00

I almost wish that I had the time to sit all day and look for interesting YouTube videos. The last couple of days have been long and challenging. Too many meetings back-to-back can lead to a melancholic, weary Transverse Myelitis victim. So...I saw these and not only wanted to make them part of my YouTube favorites, but to say, "Some Days You Just Need This." I haven't seen the first two before, but the last one should be labeled a Christmas Classic.

Who says that there's a trade deficit with China?

I know I can't lipsync a Chinese song this well!

This is why I drink Diet Sprite...

and don't mix Mentos with Diet Coke.

Is this the cause of global warming so that this homeowner

has to buy carbon offset credits from Al Gore?

The Father of the Bride

2007-11-29T12:24:00.001-08:00

Initially I wasn't sure that I wanted to post the following. But now that it has rested with me for a few weeks, I'm proud of my writing!! I hated English classes in high school and college. But as I've grown older and had to write obsessively in all of my jobs, I have to admit...I have grown fond of wordsmithing and learning that split infinitives are a no no.

I deeply love all three of my daughters. As I approached Amy's wedding, I knew that because of having Transverse Myelitis, I would be extremely fatigued and probably not too communicative. Something that was not a problem for the first two

So, for fun, I decided to write "An Ode for Amy" and give it to her with the same wedding gift that I gave to the other girls when they got married. BTW, you won't understand the context of everything, so I will put a few helps at the end.

Parents say they love all their children the same,
It’s true though the pictures may not make that claim.
Yes it’s the first that draws much attention,
Being different and new there’s much misperception.

I remember the night when being deep in slumber,
Your mother awakened and yelled “Find the number!”
So while calling the doctor and getting prepared,
“I’ll take a quick shower,” to her I declared.

That being the first of my blunders that day,
It only progressed to your mother’s dismay.
“Can you smile for the camera, can you look at me?”
“What?” she exclaimed. “I’m in labor, can’t you see!”

We both had agreed that a girl would be called,
Amy, beloved, we were glad you weren’t bald.
So home we did bring you, not knowing so much,
Being parents was new, changing diapers and such.

As you grew there were times when we thought we might lose,
First an overdose, then an organ that made us confused.
But God showed us clearly of our lives you were still.
He wasn’t done with you yet, there was much to fulfill.

With your father there is one, no in fact there are two
Events I remember and feel that I blew.
I’m sure there are more on your soul that are burned,
And for those I beg mercy, forgiveness not earned.

But the two that are etched very deep in my heart,
One’s a fall, a cut lip, a cold ride we did start.
It was 80 degrees below zero that night,
The cloth froze to your lip as we drove in our fright.

A few stitches in the ER and the cut was repaired,
But I still had the feeling of a father’s despair.
A father’s to watch, to care and protect,
To pray for and lead you, but not to neglect.

The second is deeper, and it’s always been hard,
To think that I left you, alone being scarred.
Though we laughed at the rabbit and you seemed very fine,
Leaving you that first night has remained on my mind.

But God is most gracious and uses all things,
To our lives He is able and molding He brings.
“What a joyful young girl!” many would say,
“How pretty, and kind” were also conveyed.

You excelled at your studies and tallies were few,
In fact I’m not sure you saw more than two.
A cheerleader you were, and sports you did play,
Both serving and dribbling for years you displayed.

Then the boys started calling, oh what do we do?
It was strange having them, I felt somewhat askew.
With four girls in the house, I had become very accustomed,
To teasing, and laughing, but now could I muster?

I won’t say their names, for the sake of your beau,
But learning to like them was one thing, although
Just conversing was something that I found very striking,
At the first it was hard, but it came for this Viking.

(Yes, I know that last rhyme was somewhat a stretch
But a poet I’m not, so please, don’t you retch!)

A crown you were given, a surprise and an honor,
But it showed you were loved, and it gave you a banner.
A long trip was embarked thinking this we can’t miss,
G & G were well blessed and it gave them great bliss.

So to college you went, as the first it was hard,
Can our baby exist outside our safe yard?
Except for a nose that decided to shatter,
Again you did well and our fears did not matter.

A young lady was made a far step from the day,
You first entered our lives and we began to pray.
A father of daughters is always concerned,
So we love when they leave but yet always returned.

I’m not speaking in terms of just room and board,
But instead I’m looking at my grand reward.
When things for your father looked awfully bleak,
You were there with your love, and even your speak.

The thrill that it brought me I will never forget,
Your thumb and my foot when the two they met.
But your caring, and love showed the depths of your heart,
To this father they are memories that will never depart.

Now you’re taking a step that for long you have waited,
I have given assent to this man you have dated.
It makes me remember the vows that we said
A warm day in Hartsville, when we were first wed.

To honor, to love, in sickness or health,
Or even in poorness but hoping for wealth.
We had no idea what God had in store,
But giving our all could not be ignored.

So your mother and I gave all that we could
To our marriage and calling just as we should.
Our daughters have given us more joy than deserved
And to the hands of our Father they have been served.

You perhaps have made notice that his name I’ve not used,
Rhyming “Kevin” is hard so may I be excused?

This new step in your life will bring you much joy,
But hardship and challenges will attempt to destroy.
Keep your focus on God and for Him you were made,
Both Kevin and you every day have been prayed.

So as a father that’s glad he can walk with you down
A long aisle together with you in your gown.
As the father of the bride in this tape you will see,
That my blessing and love with you always will be.

And the gift? A ten-year-old VHS tape, unopened, of Father of the Bride.

So, some helps? Overdose - an adult yellow fever inoculation on an infant. Organ - Removal of her ruptured appendix. Rabbit - The Geisha Boy with Jerry Lewis. Thumb and foot - Click here. There are probably more subtleties, so ask and I'll explain.

A Turkey to Remember

2007-11-25T09:24:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how one thought triggers a memory. I haven't thought about this in years, but I should remember it each and every Thanksgiving. You see, it was a turkey to remember.

While living in Bolivia, turkeys were very hard to come by, and when one would see them in the grocery store, they were horribly expensive. Turkeys were real Butterballs imported from the U.S., with no discount to get you into the store to buy other fixings. If I remember right, they were around $50.00 and this was in the late 1070's. So, we always had chicken - the biggest one we could buy - and pretended. Except one year...

It was a few days before Thanksgiving, a holiday only celebrated by American missionaries and workers. While working in the bookstore, a Bolivian man entered and asked me if I would be interested in buying a turkey. I thought, "I'll surprise Deborah and we'll have turkey this year."

So, I agreed to the price and into my hands he placed a turkey, a live turkey. Nothing like the vision of turkey that I was hoping for. Instead of it being a large, beautiful Tom, it was a smallish thin white-feathered bird. But a turkey none the less.

Now I had a turkey to take home. I found a cardboard box for the turkey and strapped it to the back of my motorcycle. Home I went for lunch, with my proud possession.

After Deborah's surprise turned to horror - neither one of us knew what to do with a live bird - our maid, Raquel, stepped in with her expertice and in Spanish said, "Don't worry Senora, I know what to do." Since we had an enclosed backyard, we left the bird to explore for a few days until it was time for Raquel to be the executioner.

When I returned home that evening following the afternoon shift at the bookstore, the first words I heard were, "The turkey died!" Sometime in the afternoon they found the turkey dead on the patio. It hadn't been attacked. It has just fallen over dead.

Being young without too much wisdom, Raquel still plucked and cleaned the bird and we inspected it for anything that would tell us not to cook and eat the bird. Seeing nothing, we chalked up the early demise to being in a closed cardboard box on the back of a motorcycle and had our first and only Bolivian turkey.

It was tough and dry, but we lived to once again experience TENDER fresh turkey.

Reed's Third Birthday

2007-11-23T16:45:00.001-08:00

Since the Gambles were here, we celebrated Reed's third birthday a few days early. I can still remember the timing of his birth. Deborah and I were unable to travel to Orlando because of my fulltime therapy. She picked me up at Siskin where I was talking to Cari on the phone. She was at the hospital in labor. I had a neurologist appointment about 15 minutes away.

Less than 15 minutes after the first call, Cari called again and said, "You've got a grandson!" Tough labor! :)

So, we made some cupcakes and gave Reed his presents from Grammy and Poppy. Needless to say, one of the presents will be packed well in the back of the car when they go home to North Carolina tomorrow.

Yes, this is the gift that won't be staying at our house.

Too Much Time Off

2007-11-23T13:10:00.001-08:00

I can't believe that it's already Friday. I took non-Thanksgiving days off from work this week and now, they are all gone. I'm usually trying to clean up my desk at this time on Fridays. Now...it's just the weekend.

Since no one was calling or emailing me with work questions or issues, I've had more time to "tinker." So, for the last couple of days, I decided to finally join the ranks of the "under forty" crowd and put together a Facebook page. Nothing traumatic, but done for fun. I am surprised by the number of people I know (all ages) who have Facebook pages. We'll see how many friends I have! :)

BTW, you can use the tab-link at the top of this page.

While Watching the National Dog Show...

2007-11-22T09:32:00.001-08:00

On this Thanksgiving Day, we have 1/3 of our daughters' families with us, 1/3 are in northern Minnesota and 1/3 are in Italy. But this 1/3 also has the grandchildren, so it's not quiet. Instead, the National Dog Show is on the television while Grammy is doing a puzzle with the kids.

This morning after breakfast, Phillip, one of my son-on-laws and I were talking while finishing our cups of coffee. We commented on the fact that though his four-year-old daughter is deaf (She has had two cochlear implant surgeries so she can now hear and speak fine.) and I have Transverse Myelitis, we are still blessed because of what traumatic events (trials, sufferings, etc.) do for our relationship with God.

And since that cup of coffee, I've been thinking about thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Day. What are some of the things we are thankful for?

Our families.

Our freedoms.

Our jobs, clothing, shelter, and food.

Our churches.

Our salvation.

And a number of other blessings.

Let's see. How many of these things did I have anything to do with?

Our families. I didn't choose my family. I didn't choose a Christian home to be raised in. I didn't choose my children. I didn't choose my daughters' spouses. I didn't choose my precious grandchildren.

Our freedoms. I didn't choose to live in the United States. I wasn't one of the Founding Fathers who framed our system of laws and government on biblical principles, values, and morals. I never served in our military and defended freedom.

Our jobs, clothing, shelter, and food. Since graduating from college, I've never had to look for a job, or been without a job. I've never had to sew my own clothes. I never slept without a roof over my head except one time outside of Santa Marta, Colombia. (An experience I do not choose to duplicate - something about hammocks and goats.) I've never had an empty pantry or refrigerator.

Our churches. I've never had to worship underground or in fear that I would be arrested. I've never worried about finding a good church.

Our salvation. Sorry...but I'm a firm believer in "I was DEAD in my sin" not "I was sinking and reached my hand up to grasp the hand of God."

So, for the things I am most grateful for, I had nothing to do with them.

Yet too often, I act like I had everything to do with them.

This Thanksgiving Day, I guess I'm most grateful for God's patience and mercy with a child who needs a turkey to be reminded of how self-centered I constantly am.

First Wedding Pictures

2007-11-20T12:16:00.001-08:00

Ok, so there is a little bit of redeye or even closed eyes, but these are some of the free pictures. The professional ones that cost more than my first car will come later! :) Larger pictures are here.

The Wedding Audio

2007-11-20T11:21:00.001-08:00

We don't have video yet, but I do have audio. Both links work for me, so let me know if they don't work for you.

Amy and Kevin's Wedding Audio Download

(right click to save)

Boys are Boys and Girls are Girls

2007-11-18T14:04:00.001-08:00

Cari took a couple of videos of the flower girl and ring bearer (grandchildren, Ella and Reed) at Amy and Kevin's wedding. My or my how they reflect the differences between boys and girls!

All Things In Order

2007-11-18T06:22:00.001-08:00

Everything went perfect yesterday at Amy's wedding. No old flame stood pounding at the church's door as Dustin Hoffman did in "The Graduate." Nor, did Amy turn and at the last minute run out the aisle as Julie Roberts did in "The Runaway Bride."

But before posting a few wedding pictures, I thought I'd start with some pre-wedding photos of her final fitting and the rehearsal.

Though the fitting pictures were on my camera, I refused to look at them before the wedding.

I wanted to be surprised.

Hmmm, I wonder who?

The mother of the bride still working on details.

Amy, Cari, Ella, and Bethany
Sisters and niece.

First, A Word from our Sponsors

2007-11-17T05:40:00.001-08:00

Today is the day. Everyone is up, the girls are getting their hair done, and us guys are hanging out, watching old Tom and Jerry cartoons with Reed. (Please, don't tell the women!)

So, I better get busy and put my tux on. But first, here's a word from our sponsor :) No explanation is needed.

Sunday Confessions

2007-11-11T12:12:00.001-08:00

I should have done it sooner but I just didn't think of it. So, today I redirected the domain name I was using from my static website to this blog. Now, douganddeborah.com will mean here! Go ahead, try it out.

See, it works! Now you won't have to remember transversemyelitis.blogspot.com. I've made your day a bit easier.

The other thing I did today was take a nap. I've taken six days off from work over the last two weeks. One, perhaps two turned into "work at home" days when there were Bible in the Schools things that had to get done. During the other days, it was "help Deborah get the house ready for wedding guests" chores. By the time I would get moving in the morning, (come on, it was vacation) reading the paper, checking email, checking my favorite blogs and then like a slave, checking a few items off the "Honey Do" list, it was too late in the afternoon for a nap.

So, today I got one in after church and eating lunch. I needed it. Most people have no idea how tiring Transverse Myelitis is. And not just physically. Emotionally and mentally as well - in fact more so. Every day at around mid-afternoon, I become exhausted, totally exhausted. Mostly I just need some alone time (a few hours) and I get a mental second breath. But even with that, the weariness compounds. Fortunately, Deborah isn't a party animal. :)

And now for my final confession. Some may think that I've lived in the South too long. Grits? No, I've enjoyed them for years. Country music? Getting closer, but no because I enjoyed the country rock bands of the '70's. About the only thing left is...

Yup, Nascar.

A Change at Church

2007-11-10T16:32:00.001-08:00

A week ago today, a special meeting of the church elders was called. Saturday meetings don't thrill me much because I really need the rest and always have chores around the house that pile up. But, I went with a gut feeling.

Our pastor of 5 1/2 years resigned to take a position at a seminary. So, we're in for a change. Having gone through pastoral transitions three times while living in Florida, I don't get too bent out of shape. On the other hand, this will be the second transition that our church here has seen in the last 35+ years. Not too often. Wisdom is needed.

Why Do We Forget?

2007-11-08T03:49:00.001-08:00

Today is garbage pickup day. I usually remember because I see all of the trash cans that my neighbors have dragged to the curb on Wednesday evenings.

Since I was reminded, I knew that there were two shrubs in the front of our home that I needed to trim and put the branches in our trash can. So yesterday I got my hedge trimmer and electric cord from the garage and began to trim a bit off the top. It was 4:30 PM and our neighbors were coming home from work and from picking up their school-aged kids.

It was then that I remembered what I had forgotten. (Here's the original story.)

Fortunately, I remembered so I didn't repeat the mistake. One hand just stayed on my shorts.

But it made me think...Why do we forget so quickly?

That's been on my mind lately.

It's so easy to forget the times when God has shown us His grace in extraordinary ways.
It's so easy to forget the times when God has showered us with His peace in time of doubt.
It's so easy to forget the times when we have felt God embrace us with His love.
It's so easy to forget the times when God has expressed His undeserved mercy to us.
It's so easy to forget the times when God has looked down the prodigal road with unending patience.
It's so easy to forget the times when we made promises to God.
It's so easy to forget so much even though we have the effects of Transverse Myelitis to remind.

It's so easy to forget those things that are so important. But yet we remember to program our VCR or DVR so we don't miss one of our favorite shows. Or worse, we can't forget the things we would like to blout out from our memories - shameful things we've done, said, not done, not said. Or hurtful things done or said to us.

So I return to writings. So I return to God's Word. So I return to my communion with my Heavenly Father to confess my weakness and accept His memory.

“I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake,
and I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25 ESV

Sustained By...

2007-11-07T05:57:00.001-08:00

Not grace to bar what is not bliss,

Nor flight from all distress, but this:

The grace that orders our trouble and pain,

And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.

- John Piper

Walking in the shadows of suffering is hard. It's not difficult - it's hard. We've all had times in our lives when we feel alone. We're helpless. We don't know the answers and we can't fix the problem. In fact, sometimes the problem can't be fixed.

As I think about that last sentence, someone may think that I don't have faith. But God doesn't guarantee that our suffering will be fixed. (That's why I don't ever watch most television Christian networks and programs. But, that's a different topic...I digress.)

Since getting Transverse Myelitis, I have to be honest and say that to the best of my recollection I have never challenged God by saying, "Why me!" That may still come...and when it does, it may be a good challenge. But, I have looked for answers to, "Why?"

Sometimes the "Why" has been clearly answered. Such as the day that I found this blog post "accidentally." Or when I had lunch one afternoon with a local mother and her daughter. The mother said, "We never would had gotten aggressive in getting treatment for Brooke if my conversation at the gym hadn't been overheard "accidentally" by one of your board members who told me to call you and you told me what treatment you were receiving."

I discovered two threads from the words of these two women.

Without any effort, direction, plan, or rehearsal, God used me to be an encouragement to them.
Without looking or expecting it, how the words of these two women were an immense encouragement to me.

But then time passes and memories of hearing and seeing answers to "Why" fade.

This week, my IPod was playing a podcast through my car radio. John Piper was speaking on Jeremiah 32:36-41. Whether or not you are currently suffering, one day you will. I encourage you to listen (2 parts) or read John's wonderful piece "Sustained by Sovereign Grace - Forever." Here are the links.

Part One Audio & Transcript

Part Two Audio

Switched Blood

2007-11-04T16:39:00.001-08:00

I know it didn't happen, but based upon the results, it must have happened. I got back my cholesterol test results yesterday.

I can remember when we didn't think about these things. My grandparents ate good, healthy food - whole milk, eggs, bacon, roast beef, mashed potatoes, REAL butter, fried foods and a plethora of other foods that some people think should be banned! And it bothered them so much that they lived to around 90. I'm not even sure they ever had a cholesterol test done.

But things change. I eat eggs barely once a month and only get Deborah's fried chicken three times a year. (Once during her Christmas vacation break and twice during the summer. She is so cruel!)

A few years ago (probably 15) my results jumped up to 185 and they stayed there year after year. But then, sometime after 50, they went to 220 and then 235. Enough was enough and the Doc said, "Take these." So I did. No change. "Try these," he then recommended. So, I again was faithful until last week's test. And the results came yesterday.

140

I had a feeling that the results were going to be good when I gave them my blood. Well, not really, but it helps justify my post-blood-giving fast-breaking celebration. After the band aid was applied to my arm, I drove down the street to Wally's and ordered the breakfast special: two eggs over easy, three pieces of bacon, a bowl of grits with butter, two slices of buttered toast and three cups of coffee with half-and-half.

Can you think of a better celebration?

A Letter to Write

2007-11-02T17:32:00.001-07:00

I don't exactly know why I thought of this the other day. It possibly started with my post of Amy getting married in two weeks. Then, my TM older "sister" commented upon her six month anniversary. But in all likelihood, I think it started a few weeks ago when I started to think about a special letter that I still have to write.

The foundation is laid in these familiar promises.

"I Douglas, take you Deborah, to be my wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness."

and

"I Deborah, take you Douglas, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness."

I can still remember our wedding ceremony. My brother fainted and Deborah kept patting my hand because she thought that I might as well. I didn't.

I recited my vows but to be honest, they probably were said with idealistic eyes. We were young, in love, and never dreaming that anything but the "for better" and "for richer" and "in health" would be part of our lives.

But vows aren't tested typically during better, richer, and health. They're tested in worse, poorer, and sickness. And, in growing older towards 'till death do us part.

That's why I have to write the letter, I know you'll love me when I'm old. Because my beloved lives her vows.

A Practically Unnecessary Post

2007-11-01T10:28:00.001-07:00

Ta Da! I've wanted to change the look of my blog for some time. No real reason because it's not that thousands read it and I needed to keep up appearances. Nah, mostly because I like to tinker. So, I stayed up late yesterday and made the conversion. I'll probably tinker some more because I'm in the blogging mood and that's basically how I learn technology stuff.

A Perfect Word from Spurgeon

2007-10-31T07:59:00.001-07:00

I cheated this morning and read tonight's reading from "Morning and Evening" by Charles Spurgeon. Then I read it again and felt "This is a prayer, written more than 100 years ago, that is my prayer." So, I type it to make it even more strongly be owned by my heart and soul.

Yes, Lord, You did indeed know me in my fallen state. Nevertheless, You choose me for Yourself. When I was loathsome and abhorred myself, You received me as Your child, and You satisfied my craving wants. Blessed be Your name forever for this free, rich, abounding mercy. Since then, my inward experience has often been a wilderness but, just the same, You have owned me as Your beloved, and poured streams of love and grace into me to delight me, and make me fruitful. Yes, when my outward circumstances have been at the worst, and I have wandered in a land of drought, Your sweet presence has comforted me. Others haven't known me when scorn was in store for me, but You have known my soul in adversities, for no affliction dims the luster of Your love. Most gracious Lord, I magnify You for all Your faithfulness to me in trying circumstances, and I deplore all the times that I have forgotten You or have been happy with myself when I really owed everything to Your gentleness and love. Have mercy upon Your servant in this thing!

My soul, if Jesus in this manner acknowledged you in your low estate, be sure to acknowledge both Himself and His cause now that you are prosperous. Don't be so elevated by your worldy successes that you are ashamed of the truth or of the poor church with which you have been associated. Follow Jesus into the wilderness; bear the cross with Him when the heat of persecution grows hot. He owned you, O my soul, in your poverty and shame -- don't ever be so treacherous as to be ashamed of Him. O for more shame at the throught of being ashamed of my best Beloved! Jesus, my soul cleaves to You.

"I'll turn to Thee in days of light,

As well as nights of care,

Thou brighest amid all that's bright!

Thou fairest of the Fair!"

Just a Few More Days

2007-10-30T16:52:00.001-07:00

I don't know why I haven't said more about the big event two weeks from Saturday. It's been on the books for months. It's been part of Deborah's and my prayers for 32 years. It's costing me a bundle :) So, are those enough hints?

Daughter #1 (we have three) is getting married. Even today, I paid the "open bar" bill. (Family, don't worry, it's a coffee, tea and hot chocolate bar. So, there are family members coming into town and it'll be a busy weekend. But, we'll have Thanksgiving Day and "Black Friday" to rest up. (Yeah, right!)

Amy and Kevin's photographer has put together an awesome engagement montage that makes us look forward to the wedding.

Spiritual Gifts #2

2007-10-29T16:17:00.001-07:00

After writing yesterday's post, my thoughts were reinforced.

She said, "I don't know what my spiritual gift is."

And that was the ultimate reason for my thoughts on spiritual gifts. I think we get too hung up on what our gift is/may be/should be/hoped for instead of focusing upon giving ourselves to God each day for what He will do through us.

In fact, I will be so bold as to suggest that too many of us use our comprehensive list of spiritual gifts as an excuse to not do something. We don't have the gift of evangelism. We don't have the gift of hospitality. We don't have the gift of leadership. We don't have the gift of teaching. We don't have the gift of exhortation. We don't have the gift of _____________ (you can fill in the blank because you know what fits).

I'm told that I have the gift of fund raising. (I didn't know that that was on the list!) Well, to me I don't. It doesn't come naturally. Fund raisers are good communicators. They love talking with people. They can make small talk on any subject. They can make the "close" like Zig Zigler. They love events. They are fearless.

Me? I'll speak in front of 1,000, but don't put me in a room with 10 people I don't know unless I have an agenda to follow. My heart beats fast and I don't know what to say. Small talk doesn't come easily. In fact, it doesn't come. And, since I got Transverse Myelitis, concentration issues have made everything harder. Yes, I'll say it. I'm a wallflower!

But...this is what God has called me to do. All He has asked is, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."

God will equip us. Not so we won't fail by our or other's measuring sticks. Because...

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.

Romans 11:36

Spiritual Gifts

2007-10-28T16:41:00.001-07:00

Spiritual gifts - it's a subject that creates debates throughout Christendom.

What gifts are for today? Have some gifts ended? How do I know what spiritual gift I have? What's the difference between spiritual gifts and talents? Why does the Bible have multiple lists of spiritual gifts that are different? Why do spiritual gifts cause divisions? What if I don't identify my spiritual gift? Moses led millions of people, but did he have the gift of leadership?

And on...and on...and on.

Romans 12
3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. 4 For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, 5 so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8 the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

1st Corinthians 12
1 Now concerning spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be uninformed. 2 You know that when you were pagans you were led astray to mute idols, however you were led. 3 Therefore I want you to understand that no one speaking in the Spirit of God ever says “Jesus is accursed!” and no one can say “Jesus is Lord” except in the Holy Spirit. 4 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; 5 and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; 6 and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. 7 To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. 8 For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, 10 to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. 11 All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.

Ephesians 4
1 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. 7 But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. 8 Therefore it says,“When he ascended on high he led a host of captives,and he gave gifts to men.”

And there are more.

As I was looking at this this morning, I thought through some of my questions. And I pondered, "Do we Christians focus on the wrong thing?"

I've been studying through Romans in three different situations this year. In one Bible study, we're in Romans 12. And as we were looking at the above verses, I looked at the context (why did Paul say what he said in Romans, and say what he said in 1st Corinthians, and say what he said in Ephesians).

I'm not a theologian, nor a son of a theologian. But, the beginning of Romans 12, spoke to me.

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12: 1 & 2

Maybe we spend too much time concerned about spiritual gifts when our concern should be presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice.

Just a thought.